It's hard to be a Christian with a mental illness. It's hard to be anyone with a mental illness, but it seems like it's even harder when you are a Christian. Some people think you can just pray things away, or if you are struggling too much with sadness or hurt that you don't have enough faith. I have faith. I have a LOT of faith. I know my God is here and I know He is not going anywhere. I also have these things called "emotions" that He gave me. I'm pretty sure he gave them to all of us, although there are a handful of people I have met, where I've wondered, "sociopath?" Also a mental illness, so I can't hate too much. That's a whole other kind of mental illness. I guess I should be thankful that I have bipolar disorder, because I'd rather feel too much than not feel anything at all. Yes, I can say that truthfully and know what it is like on both sides - not being a sociopath, never been one of those - but not feeling. I was on a medication once that made me literally feel NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zero. I didn't cry for close to 2 years, even when I wanted to. I'll take feeling over that experience any day.
I guess I just feel like I have extra stigma attached to me and it is weighing me down. I feel judged. Misunderstood. Looked down on. Hated, even. All the devil's lies, but I feel them, nonetheless. I can't keep myself under that weight anymore, though. It's too heavy and by trying to "keep it all together" at certain times, I'm hiding who I truly am; and that's just not something I do! So, it's time to rip off the masks.
People need to understand that Christians struggle to. We struggle with the same things everyone else struggles with! Please don't put us on pedestals. We will most likely fall, and possibly even break. Christians need to understand that we are people. People who struggle. People who aren't any better than anyone else. The only difference between us and non-believers, is we have Jesus. Jesus gives us hope, yes. That doesn't mean he promised we'd never struggle, though.
Hello, I'm Barbara, I'm a Christian, and I struggle with bipolar disorder, and a multitude of other things that I'm sure will come out in my blogs at some point. Right now, I am hurting. I am sad. I am anxious, at times. I am super pissed right now. I think I'm in the Anger stage of denial, because I wasn't seeing a breakup for what it obviously truly is. A breakup. Not a break like he made it sound originally, but a breakup. And that's messed up.
Tell me, if someone tells you they love you and miss you, but love is not enough, what would your response be? Is love enough? I'm pretty sure it says in the Bible that love endures all things. Apparently not so in the lives of some. Even sadder, in the lives of some Christians. Maybe it's because God gave me a huge heart; and I wish He hadn't sometimes. Sure, I feel things deeper, love stronger, but I also fall harder and hurt.... I don't know. Point? If you love someone, you work through it; you don't get over it. That may just be my opinion, and it's fine if that's all it is, but I base it on what I know to be true. Not just of myself, but of God.
I've been acting strong. Don't get me wrong, I AM strong, but I've felt this burning need to be stronger than usual.
i am wonder woman!
Not. That's what I have been acting like, though. I didn't do it on purpose, or purposely put up a front. I didn't even realize I was doing it... until today. When my masks fell off. Well, one of them fell off... then I ripped the rest off. The mask of I'm just fine, worry about yourself. The mask of I'm super strong and can handle anything life throws my way, whether I ask God about it or not. The mask of this doesn't hurt that much, I can deal. The mask of who cares what he is thinking or how he feels? I'm getting healthy! All horrible masks. Don't wear them.
As I got choked up today and let 2 tears fall - yes, 2, I counted - I realized that I was not allowing myself to feel everything I need to be feeling in the course of this breakup. My mask of I'm totally not allowed to feel anything, because if I do, and I cry a lot or get too angry, or if I seem inappropriately happy because I actually am happy at that moment, people will wonder if I'm taking my medication or think I'm having some kind of rapid cycling, or manic episode, or depressive episode, or what the hell is wrong with her she needs help because she isn't acting the way we think she should act in the kind of situation she is in, especially with her "problems!"
That mask. THE MASK OF STIGMA.
Don't expect me to wear it anymore. Don't expect me to care anymore what you think when I show my emotions. If I cry, I cry. If I scream, I scream. If I laugh, I laugh. If I throw.... you get the picture. It's the stupid people-pleasing, codependent, fear of what others think crap that I'm trying to get rid off, so I'm giving it a good swift kick in the ass.
Oh, I do use a curse word every now and then, too. I really, really try not to, because it hurts even my ears when other people curse too much around me, but it happens. Just thought I should let you know.
Having said all of that, now that my masks are off, this is really what I'm thinking and feeling today:
I'm going to lose it. I feel like my heart is dying inside my body. Literally dying. I haven't self-injured in well over a year, and guess what? I'm thinking about it. No reason to run off and call 911 or freak out on me, I'm just telling you the thought has crossed my mind. No, I don't want to kill myself. Yes, sometimes I want to be dead. Wanting to be dead and wanting to commit suicide are two different things. Believe me, I know. I'm angry because I don't feel like I deserve what I am going through. I am close to hating the person I've loved the most in my life, other than my kids, and that is a horrible thought to know I feel that way. I love him, but I don't. I've been pushed so far away, that I almost have no desire to come back.. at all. Looks like I don't have to worry about that anyway, but still. I've BEEN getting pushed away for a long time now, so I think part of me is resentful that I've now been pushed this damn far. I have my faults, obviously. I'm bipolar. It's not my fault that I'm bipolar, but I know that bipolar people are not always easy to live with. When I wasn't stable on medication I cried.. a lot. I went through a self-injury phase. I went through a year of rapid cycling that caused me to try and commit suicide in November of 2012. I spent 3 days in the critical care unit with a babysitter before transferring to the psychiatric unit for another 10 days. This was all over Thanksgiving holiday, so that made it worse. What made it even worse than that, is when I called my [then] fiance on Thanksgiving, really needing someone to come visit with me, he didn't answer the first 3 times. When he finally did answer, he was so slobbering drunk and mean that it set me off to where I had to be sedated. That shouldn't happen. Okay, so you have a hard time dealing with what just happened. You just obviously don't care enough that I'm still alive. Again, this is just the way I feel. He needed to be with family. I wasn't his family; and I never will be.
If you have a significant other with any type of mental illness, for the love of God please educate yourself and be willing to learn everything you can to help them, be with them, love them; it makes all the difference in the world, for BOTH of you. I don't believe people are supposed to pick and choose what to love and not love about each other when it comes to things like this. I'm sure there are things that both sides need to work on, regardless of whether it is mental illness or not. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.... what do I feel about that right now? It's a crock. But I can tell you one thing. I will NEVER be with someone again who tells me any of the following:
-you always find something to cry about
-you are disgusting
-you are dumb
-there's something seriously wrong with you
-don't use your bipolar disorder as an excuse for how you act
-you need to grow up and get over it
-cunt
-i thought you were stronger than that
-did you forget to take your medication or something
-will you stop that constant whining
-everyone has problems
-you brought this on yourself
-you are the reason i need to self-medicate
-you are the most difficult person to be around in the world
-anyone would be depressed being with you
-crazy
If I sat here long enough, I'm sure I could think of more things that I heard, but ain't nobody got time fo' dat.
If you look at the list, what bipolar person wouldn't get WORSE living with someone like THAT??
I feel better just having gotten today's feelings out and that just proves to me that, that is what I need to be doing. I don't need to wear masks. I don't need to pretend I'm okay when I'm not, just because I'm afraid someone is going to stigmatize me; because chances are.... they already are anyway.
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