The Stress.

I have been SUPER good at dealing with stress the last couple of months. When my [ex]fiance kicked me out of the house unexpectedly while I was in the hospital at the beginning of May, I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with things. I didn't know if I'd remain calm, cry it out, or completely lose control of my mental stability all together. I surprised myself by doing relatively well under the circumstances of being told I could not come back to the home I'd known for 2 years and 8 months, to the EXACT day. When someone that is supposed to love you for better or for worse tells you that they "cannot handle your bipolar disorder" and had been trying to figure out a way to get you out of the house, and seized the perfect opportunity of you going into the hospital to do so because you'd "be safe there" (until when?), it kind of cracks you a little on the inside. Especially when you are struggling to heal physically from some literal heart damage. What part of kicking someone out of their home while they are in the hospital is okay, regardless of the reason? He said he has to concentrate on making himself healthier, which I totally agree with. Even though he would promptly deny it, he is a recovering alcoholic. Or was recovering, anyway. He started drinking again, and I will readily admit that I feel partially responsible since I honestly thought it had been long enough to where a beer would be okay. I will never make that very incorrect assumption for ANYONE ever again. EVER. What starts out as 1 beer, quickly becomes 2. Then it becomes 4. Then it becomes daily. Then it becomes frequent 6 packs. Then it becomes someone screaming in your face for just under an hour, telling you how absolutely disgusting you are and reminding you of every single mistake you have EVER made, to you having to clean up their vomit the next morning because you know it won't get cleaned up otherwise. Couple that with anger management issues, and you have quite the cluster-crap. That isn't even the clencher, though. The real slap is the fact that not only does he deny that alcohol and anger are his problems, but instead tells everyone, including me, that I was his problem. Subsequently, "now that you are gone, I have no problems."

I have a few questions.

If I was the problem, why did his breath reek of alcohol a couple of weeks ago when a mutual friend stopped by there?  If I was the problem, why does one of my friends, who eventually became his acquaintance, report that he has engaged in certain activities that he would say he has stopped?  If I was the problem, why was there a newly punched hole in a door that was not there before I was kicked out?

The answer is simple: I wasn't, nor am I, the problem.

So many things have become clear.  So many blinders removed.  Yet, I'm saddened by it, because I realize all the lies.

Real eyes realize real lies.

All the blaming, I almost took it. But it isn't my fault. Thank God I can see that now.  My bipolar disorder was getting worse, yes. That part is totally and completely true; but I can see WHY it was getting worse, and it was all circumstantial. A violent merry-go-round. Being kept unhealthy by an unhealthy person who wouldn't let me in. Who wouldn't get worse in that situation? Gawd.. I think about it, and honestly I'm amazed I didn't succeed in killing myself. That is really, really sad. Sadder still... I love him.  He can blame me if he wants, but I won't claim it. His malfunctions are his own and he needs to deal with his own demons. He will understand one day that what he did was wrong, no matter why he thought he needed to do it. Ironically, as I've grown, become more independent, and have taken steps to build my life, he tries to take credit for it, saying that his kicking me out is what catapulted me into finally taking responsibility for myself. Truth is, I've always been responsible for myself. I just lost my way when I started letting him dictate how I was going to feel and live. I'm taking my life back now, thank you.

Silly me. I thought I could help on the farm, without my own outside source of income, help with his business, and we could grow together. Not so, young, naive grasshopper. You are a fool. You can't help someone who won't let you past the front gate. Every time I thought I broke down an emotional barrier, he would just put another one up. I never stood a chance, and the whole time I was trying, I was really drowning. Being suffocated by the codependency of someone else, why dealing with the codependency inside myself. You cannot help someone who is insistent that they have no problems but you.

Thank you for setting me free, even though you did it in a horribly, horribly wrong way. Thank you for shattering the facade you put up that I would be "safe forever."  Thank you for reminding me that I can never get too comfortable in one place for too long and will always have to worry that one day I could be homeless again, because nothing lasts forever. Thank you for proving that I should have trusted my instincts in the very beginning and kept my belongings separate from yours so I wouldn't have to go through everything later and figure out what was mine. I don't have to worry about what you are doing anymore or try and figure out ways I can help you. I don't have to worry anymore about whether you are going to keep your promises and we'll start getting healthy again tonight.  I don't have to worry anymore about all the stupid little lies that you say you HAD to tell. YOU NEVER HAVE TO LIE, THAT'S A LIE IN ITSELF. And if you really believe that.... I feel so sorry for you.

I'm feeling it now. The weight. The stress. The impending fear, no matter how irrational it is right now. Chalk it up to past experiences, for I know that is where it comes from. I'm thankful for my little twin mattress on the floor in the front hallway of my best friend's house, nestled right by the front door. I'm thankful that I'm out of the elements and have food to eat, water to drink. I'm thankful that within a couple of weeks I found a good job, that while it started off very slowly, has the potential of being a nice life-sustaining income, that may only allow me to live paycheck to paycheck, will still allow me to live, once I'm on my own.

On my own. It's getting to that point that is hard. It's getting to that point that is really bringing on the stress. It seems like the money goes out just as fast as it comes in, and I wonder how I'm supposed to ever save anything.  Whether it's paying my best friend back for the computer she so graciously bought me so that I can work from home as a medical language specialist, using the college degree that I so diligently put myself through school for while I was raising my four children back in the early 2000s. Whether it's doctor appointments and prescriptions, both of which are necessary. Whether it's helping out here and there. Whether it's having to spend money on this or that, that was a basic necessity or something I needed, or a document that needed to be filed, or something I'd procrastinated on paying for. It's always something.

Now, I have a vacation coming up. Yes, vacation, in the midst of all this. Why in the hell would I be taking a vacation right now, you ask? Because when this vacation was planned and almost entirely paid for, I was not in this position. Plans were made, tickets were bought, decisions were practically forged into stone; and come hell or high water I am going on my damn vacation. Also, for the first time in too many years to even count, 2 of my children are coming on a trip with me, and if you had any idea what I've been through in the last decade, you'd understand why I absolutely, positively canNOT give that up! WILL NOT GIVE THAT UP! We are leaving Florida on August 4th, traveling to New England, and are not coming back until August 13th; and that's that!  Judge all you like, it won't change anything.

I will exhaust myself to near death between now and then, sitting here, transcribing, getting paid by production, just so I can make sure they have the best vacation I can give them. I will sacrifice everything I have to have this opportunity with my children that may never come back around, that I have been DYING for, for years now. I will sleep all the way to Maine in the passenger seat of a car if that is the only sleep I will get, if it means we will be a happy family spending extraordinary moments together on the side of a beautiful mountain. Just call us the Von Trapp family!

....and if when we return, I have nothing, I will start over.... again. I pray diligently every day that my time will not run out, physically or otherwise. I have learned through many, many things in my life, that nothing is ever guaranteed. 

So, stressed I am, and stressed I will be. I keep hoping that the right people will hear my story or see my family's need, make no assumptions or form uneducated opinions, and decide to help in some small way, to get me back on my feet... to get us back together. Just give me a freaking chance to start my entire life over, as I've been given no other choice.  To see that I'm doing the best I can with what I have.  To know that I don't pity myself, I'm just tired.

To relieve just a small ounce of stress... help me begin, I'll take it from there.

I hate asking for help, yet I'm forcing myself to do it anyway. CLICK HERE for more information.

The Reasons.

My last blog, What Did You Say? 
100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)

I promised I would follow up on why these are specifically not what you say, or perhaps just educate you a tiny bit.

The term "we" used below simply indicates those of us that have the mental disorder of bipolar, along with anyone who has any other mental illness (i.e. depression, anxiety, personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc.).

I'm not going to touch on every single one of them. Some of them are similar and/or superfluous. I will touch on the most common...

...and the most ignorant.

Actually, all of them are ignorant, so disregard that last part. If you want to read the entire list, please refer to my previous blog.

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THESE THINGS TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BIPOLAR DISORDER, ETC.

1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.
Actually, if you had any idea what you were talking about, you would know that the majority of people who struggle with mental illness really have a hard time caring about themselves at all. It is a wrestle to love ourselves and the learning process of self-care is a very long journey. So, please; don't trigger someone into feeling even more worthless by letting this garbage come out of your mouth.

3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.
Actually, my mental illness is my worst enemy. I am not my mental illness. I HAVE bipolar disorder. I am NOT bipolar disorder.

4. You are really dragging me down with you.
If it isn't uplifting or encourage, don't freaking say it. We feel bad enough about ourselves without your help.

9. This too shall pass.
Not really. Education much? There is no cure for mental illness. We can be stabilized and go on to live fairly productive and successful lives if adequately treated by all resources available; but we cannot be "fixed." But thanks for your input. 

11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
Our definition of "life" is apparently differently than yours. Would you walk up to a cancer patient and say, "this is life, you'd better get used to it."? If so, you're an ass. This is no different, whether you want to believe that or not.

13. Snap out of it.
LOL. If it were that easy, none of us would struggle with mental illness. Just sayin'. Wow, a world with no depressed people or suicides! Wouldn't that be just majestic?

14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
If I lose friends because of bipolar disorder, they were not my friends to begin with. Also, saying this makes it that much harder to deal with the attached stigma already associated with mental illness, in turn making it harder to reach out to people.

18. I know how you feel.
No, you don't.

19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
And a lot of people have it better than I do. Stop minimizing, patronizing, and invalidating how we feel. It does not matter who has it "worse" in your eyes. What we feel is what we feel, and sometimes that is not something that can be controlled. It isn't always based on circumstance.

21. It's all in your head. (also see, I don't believe in mental illness)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-adults/index.shtml

26. Why can't you just be normal?
If the definition of being normal means being like you, I don't want to be.

32. Are you taking your medication?
First of all, you have no right to ask me that question. Second, it is demeaning because by asking that question you are insinuating that I am not allowed to feel regular human emotions. This questions usually pops up during episodes of crying, being sad, being very happy, being excited, and/or being passionate about something. Just because I am showing my emotions does not mean I am having a depressive or manic episode, and the quicker people get that through their heads, the easier it will become for people like me to actually feel okay to express those emotions rather than feel like we need to carry everything inside all the time in fear of being stigmatized.

36. Stop trying to get attention.
If you only knew how much attention we DON'T want. The attention is inevitable because of ignorance. Also, some of us like to bring awareness to the subject so we can get rid of stigma, as well as share our stories in order to try and help other people. Don't confuse it for attention-seeking.

37. You really need to grow up.
If you say this, it is probably you that need to grow up.

42. You are nothing about drama.
I'm sorry that my emotions make you so uncomfortable. Actually, I'm not. It's usually people that have trouble expressing their emotions that make this statement. There is a difference between "drama" and "mental illness." Drama usually infers that there is acting involved or an intentional stirring up of the peace that surrounds. There is no acting, nor is there anything intentional about the way we feel. So please... just stop.

44. Everybody has mood swings.
Oh, honey.. these are so much more than mood swings. It's called a chemical imbalance. Do not try to equate me to yourself.

47. You're not trying.
I'm trying more than you will ever be capable of understanding, but thank you for making me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I think I might just try harder to give up now.

48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
We are more than capable of having successful, lasting, loving relationships. We just happen to need partners that are understanding, willing to educate themselves, have a lot of compassion, and actually love for the right reasons. Really, that should be every relationship, but hey, what do I know? I have bipolar disorder.

49. Just get a job.
It is simply not that easy for some with mental illness. Your statement is ignorant. Just get an education and please see the definition of "debilitating." Thank you.

52. Don't you want to get better?
No. I want to be like this forever. Is this a serious question??

55. Just pray about it.
I do. Every. Single. Day. My faith is not less just because I have a mental illness. This is not my fault. God is not punishing me. I honestly believe he allows his strongest, whether they know their strength or not, to have the most enervating troubles or illnesses in life. At least, I have seen the strongest I've ever seen come through them. Do not assume that just because we are having trouble from time to time dealing with how we feel or act, that we are not praying. It's not that simple and goes much deeper.

60. You create your own reality.
This is where I'd like to punch someone. Never in a million years would I ever have created this "reality" for myself. EVER. If I could create my own reality, I would be jumping down into a rabbit hole right now, running off to have a spot of tea with the Mad Hatter, because honestly I'd be happier there than I ever would be here.

61. You don't look sick.
Most people with mental illness don't. Please Google "invisible illnesses." Thank you.

70. You aren't disabled.
If there were a way for you to live inside my body and mind for 24 hours, I'd beg you to do it. you would never, ever make this statement again. Not all disabilities can be seen. Tell this to the person who has post-traumatic stress disorder, like myself, when they come across something that triggers them into remembering whatever happened to cause them to have post-traumatic stress disorder in the first place. I can't even find the words to describe how disabling that is. 

78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
Only when around people like you.

88. You really don't need all those medications.
Firstly, thank you for making me feel ashamed because I'm on medication. Secondly, are you a psychiatrist? Thirdly, would you like to see me off my medication? I don't think so.

90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
This is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't make it about you. Bipolar disorder has attributes that are difficult, if not impossible, to control at times. If we could control our emotions and actions as easily as you say you can control yours by "choice," we would. We wouldn't be bipolar. Don't ever imply I don't love you because of my mental illness.

92. You are just being lazy.
Please Google "physical symptoms of bipolar disorder and depression." I really don't even have time for this very stupid statement. I hate that I even acknowledged it.

99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
If I were to be completely honest about this one, I would say we play nothing. We don't want to be victims. We want to be survivors. But truth be told, people who do not understand mental illness MAKE us the victims. They project that identity onto us, whether we want it or not. Also, truth be told, we are victims quite a bit... of stigma. Greater than all, however, we are survivors. Survivors of your expectations and condemnation.

104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
You left a part out. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle WITH HIS HELP OR THE HELP OF OTHERS. We cannot handle this alone. We cannot struggle alone. We are not alone in our struggles. That's why we have each other. So, I beg to differ.

107. Here's my advice...
Unless you are my therapist, psychiatrist, or medical doctor, I do not want your advice unless I ask for it. You are not qualified to give me advice. You have no idea what I'm going through, what my story is, what my illness(es) is, what it is like, how to deal with it, what to say, how to avoid triggering me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... just don't. Don't give unsolicited advice. EVER. 

What Did You Say?

100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)



1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.    
2. The rest of us don't have a fun life either.    
3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.    
4. You are really dragging me down with you.    
5. Don't take it out on everyone else in your life.   
6. You would feel better if you lost some weight.
7. You are a total downer to be around.
8. We all have crosses to bear.
9. This too shall pass.
10. You'd feel better if you just went to church.
11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
12. You deal with things so immaturely.
13. Snap out of it.
14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
15. You are too hard on yourself.
16. You are embarrassing to be with.
17. If you don't like the way your life is, change it.
18. I know how you feel.
19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
20. Try harder to be positive.
21. It's all in your head.
22. Just don't think about it.
23. You brought this on yourself.
24. You can overcome anything if you only set your mind to it.
25. Everybody has a bad day every once in a while.
26. Why can't you just be normal?
27. You really need to get a grip.
28. You cry too much.
29. You get too excited.
30. You are what you think.
31. Lighten up.
32. Are you taking your medication?
33. At least it's not that bad.
34. You think you've got problems...
35. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
36. Stop trying to get attention.
37. You really need to grow up.
38. I thought you were a lot stronger than that.
39. Life isn't fair.
40. What is your problem?
41. Have you gotten tired of being so self-centered?
42. You are nothing but drama.
43. You are overreacting again.
44. Everybody has mood swings.
45. You are crazy (or psycho, nuts, deranged, etc.).
46. There is something wrong with you.
47. You're not trying.
48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
49. Just get a job.
50. I can't help you.
51. All you need to do is distract yourself.
52. Don't you want to get better?
53. Change your attitude.
54. Stop focusing on the bad stuff and just live for the good stuff.
55. Just pray about it.
56. Why can't you work?
57. Everything will look better in the morning.
58. Time heals all wounds.
59. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
60. You create your own reality.
61. You don't look sick.
62. You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
63. You really just need to calm down.
64. I think you have more than just bipolar disorder.
65. No wonder no one can stand being around you.
66. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
67. You need to go see your psychiatrist again.
68. You are the reason I am the way I am.
69. Your faith isn't strong enough.
70. You aren't disabled.
71. Get a life.
72. You are smiling today, you must be cured.
73. Oh, you're depressed? Yeah, I was depressed for a while.
74. Think of all the people you'd be hurting if you ended your life.
75. There is no reason to hurt yourself.
76. It can't be that bad.
77. I don't believe there is such thing as mental illness.
78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
79. It's probably just stress.
80. You'll be better when life calms down.
81. You're always sick.
82. You can will yourself to be better.
83. I think you do this to punish me.
84. Your behavior makes me want to drink.
85. Why are you making yourself so miserable?
86. You could be better if you really wanted to.
87. You must not be living right.
88. You really don't need all those medications.
89. You'd feel better if you weren't taking those pills.
90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
91. Therapists don't help.
92. You are just being lazy.
93. If you won't change for you, at least change for [someone you love].
94. If you were right with God, this wouldn't be happening to you.
95. You'll be a better person because of it.
96. We all have battles.
97. You're wasting your life, you have so much potential.
98. Just let it go.
99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
100. You need therapy.
101. You just need to take care of yourself.
102. If you were exercising, I bet you wouldn't feel this way!
103. You just need to decide what's important to you.
104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
105. Pull yourself together.
106. Stop wallowing in it.
107. And my biggest pet peeve: "Here is my advice......."

We don't need your advice. We need your support.

What is the most important thing to know about people who have mental illness(es)? We need your encouragement, acceptance, respect, empathy (not sympathy), compassion, understanding (education), patience, and friendship. What you say to someone struggling with bipolar disorder, or any MI, can make or break them. Some of the above things listed may seem like good advice or appropriate things to say; they aren't. By saying these things, in one way or another you are either minimizing, invalidating, or criticizing a persons illness and/or feelings/thought process. Honestly, we beat ourselves up enough, we really don't need your help. What you say could potentially trigger an episode, self-injury, or even suicidal ideation and/or actions. PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS. I understand that most things are said (most, not all - some are said out of complete ignorance or cruelty) with correct intentions and triggering is unintentional. That's why I'm giving you this list. I've heard them all. I'm sure there is more, but it's all I could think of. If you care about someone who has bipolar disorder, let them know by validating their emotions and what they are going through... not by comparing them to anyone or anything, stereotyping them, or tearing them down.

NEXT BLOG: Why each one of these are specifically not what you say.

Previous Blog: http://ramblingsofabipolarsoberchick.blogspot.com/2014/07/fallen-masks.html

Fallen Masks.

I'm done fighting. Not that I think I can be perfect, because I know I'm not. I'm done fighting trying to be perfect.

It's hard to be a Christian with a mental illness. It's hard to be anyone with a mental illness, but it seems like it's even harder when you are a Christian. Some people think you can just pray things away, or if you are struggling too much with sadness or hurt that you don't have enough faith. I have faith. I have a LOT of faith. I know my God is here and I know He is not going anywhere. I also have these things called "emotions" that He gave me. I'm pretty sure he gave them to all of us, although there are a handful of people I have met, where I've wondered, "sociopath?" Also a mental illness, so I can't hate too much. That's a whole other kind of mental illness. I guess I should be thankful that I have bipolar disorder, because I'd rather feel too much than not feel anything at all. Yes, I can say that truthfully and know what it is like on both sides - not being a sociopath, never been one of those - but not feeling. I was on a medication once that made me literally feel NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zero. I didn't cry for close to 2 years, even when I wanted to. I'll take feeling over that experience any day.

I guess I just feel like I have extra stigma attached to me and it is weighing me down. I feel judged. Misunderstood. Looked down on. Hated, even. All the devil's lies, but I feel them, nonetheless. I can't keep myself under that weight anymore, though. It's too heavy and by trying to "keep it all together" at certain times, I'm hiding who I truly am; and that's just not something I do! So, it's time to rip off the masks.

People need to understand that Christians struggle to. We struggle with the same things everyone else struggles with! Please don't put us on pedestals. We will most likely fall, and possibly even break. Christians need to understand that we are people. People who struggle. People who aren't any better than anyone else. The only difference between us and non-believers, is we have Jesus. Jesus gives us hope, yes. That doesn't mean he promised we'd never struggle, though. 

Hello, I'm Barbara, I'm a Christian, and I struggle with bipolar disorder, and a multitude of other things that I'm sure will come out in my blogs at some point. Right now, I am hurting. I am sad. I am anxious, at times. I am super pissed right now. I think I'm in the Anger stage of denial, because I wasn't seeing a breakup for what it obviously truly is. A breakup. Not a break like he made it sound originally, but a breakup. And that's messed up.

Tell me, if someone tells you they love you and miss you, but love is not enough, what would your response be? Is love enough? I'm pretty sure it says in the Bible that love endures all things. Apparently not so in the lives of some. Even sadder, in the lives of some Christians. Maybe it's because God gave me a huge heart; and I wish He hadn't sometimes. Sure, I feel things deeper, love stronger, but I also fall harder and hurt.... I don't know. Point? If you love someone, you work through it; you don't get over it. That may just be my opinion, and it's fine if that's all it is, but I base it on what I know to be true. Not just of myself, but of God.

I've been acting strong. Don't get me wrong, I AM strong, but I've felt this burning need to be stronger than usual.

i am wonder woman!

Not. That's what I have been acting like, though. I didn't do it on purpose, or purposely put up a front. I didn't even realize I was doing it... until today. When my masks fell off. Well, one of them fell off... then I ripped the rest off. The mask of I'm just fine, worry about yourself. The mask of I'm super strong and can handle anything life throws my way, whether I ask God about it or not. The mask of this doesn't hurt that much, I can deal. The mask of who cares what he is thinking or how he feels? I'm getting healthy! All horrible masks. Don't wear them. 

As I got choked up today and let 2 tears fall - yes, 2, I counted - I realized that I was not allowing myself to feel everything I need to be feeling in the course of this breakup. My mask of I'm totally not allowed to feel anything, because if I do, and I cry a lot or get too angry, or if I seem inappropriately happy because I actually am happy at that moment, people will wonder if I'm taking my medication or think I'm having some kind of rapid cycling, or manic episode, or depressive episode, or what the hell is wrong with her she needs help because she isn't acting the way we think she should act in the kind of situation she is in, especially with her "problems!"

That mask. THE MASK OF STIGMA.

Don't expect me to wear it anymore. Don't expect me to care anymore what you think when I show my emotions. If I cry, I cry. If I scream, I scream. If I laugh, I laugh. If I throw.... you get the picture. It's the stupid people-pleasing, codependent, fear of what others think crap that I'm trying to get rid off, so I'm giving it a good swift kick in the ass. 

Oh, I do use a curse word every now and then, too. I really, really try not to, because it hurts even my ears when other people curse too much around me, but it happens. Just thought I should let you know.

Having said all of that, now that my masks are off, this is really what I'm thinking and feeling today:

I'm going to lose it. I feel like my heart is dying inside my body. Literally dying. I haven't self-injured in well over a year, and guess what? I'm thinking about it. No reason to run off and call 911 or freak out on me, I'm just telling you the thought has crossed my mind. No, I don't want to kill myself. Yes, sometimes I want to be dead. Wanting to be dead and wanting to commit suicide are two different things. Believe me, I know. I'm angry because I don't feel like I deserve what I am going through. I am close to hating the person I've loved the most in my life, other than my kids, and that is a horrible thought to know I feel that way. I love him, but I don't. I've been pushed so far away, that I almost have no desire to come back.. at all. Looks like I don't have to worry about that anyway, but still. I've BEEN getting pushed away for a long time now, so I think part of me is resentful that I've now been pushed this damn far.  I have my faults, obviously. I'm bipolar. It's not my fault that I'm bipolar, but I know that bipolar people are not always easy to live with. When I wasn't stable on medication I cried.. a lot. I went through a self-injury phase. I went through a year of rapid cycling that caused me to try and commit suicide in November of 2012. I spent 3 days in the critical care unit with a babysitter before transferring to the psychiatric unit for another 10 days. This was all over Thanksgiving holiday, so that made it worse. What made it even worse than that, is when I called my [then] fiance on Thanksgiving, really needing someone to come visit with me, he didn't answer the first 3 times. When he finally did answer, he was so slobbering drunk and mean that it set me off to where I had to be sedated. That shouldn't happen. Okay, so you have a hard time dealing with what just happened. You just obviously don't care enough that I'm still alive. Again, this is just the way I feel. He needed to be with family. I wasn't his family; and I never will be. 

If you have a significant other with any type of mental illness, for the love of God please educate yourself and be willing to learn everything you can to help them, be with them, love them; it makes all the difference in the world, for BOTH of you. I don't believe people are supposed to pick and choose what to love and not love about each other when it comes to things like this. I'm sure there are things that both sides need to work on, regardless of whether it is mental illness or not. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.... what do I feel about that right now? It's a crock. But I can tell you one thing. I will NEVER be with someone again who tells me any of the following:

-you always find something to cry about

-you are disgusting

-you are dumb

-there's something seriously wrong with you

-don't use your bipolar disorder as an excuse for how you act

-you need to grow up and get over it

-cunt

-i thought you were stronger than that

-did you forget to take your medication or something

-will you stop that constant whining

-everyone has problems

-you brought this on yourself

-you are the reason i need to self-medicate

-you are the most difficult person to be around in the world

-anyone would be depressed being with you

-crazy

If I sat here long enough, I'm sure I could think of more things that I heard, but ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

If you look at the list, what bipolar person wouldn't get WORSE living with someone like THAT??

I feel better just having gotten today's feelings out and that just proves to me that, that is what I need to be doing. I don't need to wear masks. I don't need to pretend I'm okay when I'm not, just because I'm afraid someone is going to stigmatize me; because chances are.... they already are anyway.

Torn.

Every once in a while, I will express myself in poetry. It's a huge part of who I am and that part has been lost for many years. Just recently, someone I used to participate in poetry challenges and collaborate with posted something from those days (circa 2008, I believe) that really made me miss writing. It sparked that old flame of desire to pour my random thoughts into some sort of pattern. My patterns don't also rhyme, but if you know anything at all about poetry, you'll know not all poems rhyme. If you need everything to rhyme for you, I can recommend a Dr. Seuss book or two. ;)


I've had a recent break-up that, while I am healing, it is still pretty fresh and I have my moments.  I am, in fact, slightly broken. Busted. Defective. Ruptured. Hurt. Slivered. Collapsed. Demolished. Severed. Pulverized. Split. Cracked. Fractured. Shattered. Rent. Fragmentary. Crippled. Smashed. Riven. Burst. Separated. Crushed. Mangled. Disintegrate. Shivered. Dismantled. Damaged. Mutilated. Shredded.


In pieces.


Mostly, though.. I'm just torn.

TORN

my sadness overwhelms me
like a butterfly without wings
a page torn in two
shattered glass and broken dreams.

i take a look around me
and all i really see
is lost hope, wandering souls
stormy clouds.

i am dying inside without you
heart and soul screaming for pain relief.
to hold you in my arms again,
kiss you, hug you, touch you
i long for you each night i sleep.

original ©2007   ©2014 Barbara F. O'Dell (the little b.)

From Homeless to Independence.

As I reflect on what today is about, the independence of our country, the United States of America,

(or this cute meme)

I can't help but think of what independence means for me personally. First and foremost, thank you to all of the heroes that have made our freedom and independence possible. From my heart to yours. I don't think quite a few people realize how many of our homeless are actually veterans; the very people I am thanking. Take a few minutes to think about that. Our homeless are stigmatized, stereotyped, thrown under the bus, slipped through the cracks, ignored, laughed at, beat up, ridiculed, mocked, and judged; but have you ever, just once, actually stopped to listen to them for a single minute? A second? Do you know their stories? Homelessness is a result of lifestyle choice sometimes, but what if it isn't? What if it is about circumstances beyond control? If it is because of lifestyle choice, what if those people have changed? Shouldn't they be given a "second chance" to be part of what society has determined is "normal?" Are you aware that there are a lot of homeless people simply because they are disabled or have mental health disorders, and cannot care for themselves and have somehow fallen through the gaps of our so-called system? I realize that is a lot of information and quite a few questions, but there is a reason I am passionate about the subject.. and the people. 

I AM THEM.

I grew up in... houses. Different houses, with different people, depending on what age we are talking about. When I was 18, I moved in with my first husband and we shared a home for approximately 8 years. Then I lived by myself for 5 years.

Then I lived nowhere and everywhere all at once.

I am a recovering drug addict. My addiction with my drug of choice began in late 2004, peaked in 2005, and lasted until 2008. Because of that addiction, I lost everything. 

I lost my house at the end of 2005. 

By January 2006, for various reasons, I hit the streets. I would live with an aunt for a while, a friend for a while, in my van for a while, under a tree for 3 nights, escaped the city for 4 days on a Greyhound bus after being beaten for 4 days, came back on a Greyhound bus, lived in an extended-stay hotel for 6 months, weighing a mere 116 pounds because I rarely had enough to eat. All the money I made went to pay for the hotel room, just so I would have a roof over my head during that time period. Lived with another friend for a while, an aunt again, a friend again, another friend. Although I cleaned my life up in 2008, the cycle of homelessness continued through 2010. Why? Because once you are homeless, it is really hard to become "not homeless," especially if you lack resources and support.

It wasn't for lack of trying. I would get jobs. Companies would close. They would hire too many people. They wouldn't hire me at all. I would lose jobs. I would get more jobs.  Even though I was clean from my hardcore drug, there was still something very wrong, and I had an extremely hard time putting my finger on it. Eventually that finger would point to severe bipolar disorder type I, with severe depression and psychotic behavior (self-injury). 

Mental illness. Just what I needed; something else attached to huge stigma.

Unless you've struggled with mental illness, you will never fully understand the difficulty of holding down or getting a job if you are not completely stabilized; or at least mostly stabilized. I don't have the words that would even allow you to comprehend the magnitude of what something like bipolar disorder can do to you or how debilitating or even completely crippling it can be as far as functioning as a normal human being. Something as simple as making a phone call can seem like the most monumental task. 

In 2011, I moved in with my [then] fiance. I was finally home. I found someone I loved, more than I'd ever loved anyone in a relationship. He appeared to love me. We seemed happy. We were happy. I worked through my fear and eventually got all of my personal belongings that had been sitting in storage since 2006 (well, half of them.. the other half was destroyed by, 1. someone I had lived with along the way, and 2. a flood during a hurricane that decided my storage room would make a great swimming pool.) unpacked and placed around the house. I will be honest. I deeply feared mixing my things up with his, because I didn't want to have to go through everything again if it didn't work. I didn't want to have to box everything up again. I never wanted to think about another storage unit or being homeless again for the rest of my life. As the first year went by, I became comfortable with "my home" and made it ours. Pictures on the walls, my possessions that I'd missed so much, my memories on paper and photograph, gifts from my children, books I had read, jewelry I had worn, journals I had filled; all there. I was happy. 

Then I began to be unhappy. 

That is a completely different blog all together.

I shouldn't have had to worry again. I wasn't supposed to have to think about it again. However, in May of this year, while I was in the hospital, I received a text message that I was not to come home ever again.  

"That's it, you are never coming back here. You are not my problem anymore." 

I had/have no car. I had no job. I had been helping on the farm we lived on for almost 3 years. I had tried to get jobs, but because of my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder in 2011 (no matter the diagnosis, it is a relief to know there is a name to what is going on with you), it was extremely difficult for me to even test for positions, much less actually land one in my line of work. When I did land one, there would always be a reason thrown my way as to why I couldn't keep it. I tried. I don't think HE thinks I did, but I tried. I was not adequately controlled and stabilized to an extent just yet, BUT my problems were also situational. 

Again, another blog.

I left the hospital that day, in the beginning of May 2014, with the clothes I had worn there, my bag containing my wallet with my ID, and my cell phone and cell phone charger. I was confused, weak, breathless, upset, bewildered.... I hadn't reached angry yet.... and I was homeless. Again.

Had I not had a great friend that had just moved back down to Florida the previous year, I would have been on the streets or in a shelter, and that's only if there was room in a shelter. That friend took me to grab a few belongings, which I didn't grab much of because of my emotional state and complete inability to even process a thought at the moment, and then brought me to her home where I have been sleeping on a mattress in the front hallway for 2 months. I am thankful for that friend. I am thankful for that mattress. I write this blog sitting directly in front of that mattress, and I am thankful for that, too. 

I knew many of my problems had been circumstantial and situational, because once here, I was able to test for and land a position as a medical language specialist within the first week and a half of being here, and I've had that position ever since. Granted it has only been 2 months, I am thriving in my job and I once again love what I do. I am stable mental health wise, but once again... 

...another blog.

What is my point? Homelessness starts with many things. It can start with drug addiction. It can start with no one wanting to give you a second chance. It can continue with no one wanting to give you a second chance; or a third chance; or a long enough chance to actually figure out what in the hell is wrong, change it, and get on your feet. It can come from having to leave a violent situation. It can come from losing or not being able to hold down a job. It can come from someone elses decision entirely. 

Sometimes we are responsible for it. Sometimes we have no control over it. Sometimes it is a combination of both. Sometimes it starts one way and ends another. But ultimately, we are all still human beings.. with human feelings.. human needs.. human lives.  

Homelessness isn't always about whether or not you have a place to "live." You can have a roof over your head and still feel homeless, just as easily as you can stand in the middle of a completely crowded room and feel utterly alone. True homelessness, yes, is living under that tree.. or riding that bus.. or sleeping in that van. But homelessness is also that sense of not belonging anywhere and that worry that you are going to wake up the next day not knowing what is coming next, not knowing anything.

Independence is that sense of confidence that you are on your way to something greater, that feeling that you really don't have to worry about every single day, because tomorrow will always have it's own troubles. Independence is knowing that you will be able to take care of yourself and make it, even if you aren't doing it on your own just yet. Independence is knowing that you do not have to completely rely on another person to meet every single one of your needs, be it physical, financial, emotional, or otherwise. Independence is as simple as being free from your old self and the thoughts that bind you.

That being said, I value my independence, even if I'm not in my own place right now, and I'm thankful that I'm not truly homeless anymore, even if I'm sleeping on a mattress in a hallway, and yes I still get scared now and then because I know by experience that anything can happen at any given time. The difference now is I'm extremely proud of who I have become, I love the confidence I now have from letting go of all the chains that were literally choking me, I'm learning to love myself and not base my self-worth on the opinions of others, and I'm diligently working toward my goal of getting my own small place and my own cheap little piece of crap car. And no matter what happens in the interim, that diligence will never change... even if my circumstances do.

ALWAYS BE KINDER THAN NECESSARY. EVERYONE YOU MEET IS GOING THROUGH SOME SORT OF STRUGGLE.

"YOU MAY KNOW MY NAME, BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW MY STORY."