Bipolar, Panic and WTF.

I feel like bipolar disorder and panic disorder together make it impossible for me to be "normal."  I know the term "normal" is relative, but this is all that's been in my head for days, possibly longer.  I'm getting to a point where I feel like I'm looking for that hole to crawl into where everything is dark and the only sound is music. I can't speak, I can't respond, I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I try to utter a sound.  I don't expect anyone to understand, unless they have actually been there, of course.  I'm willing to bet that a lot more will relate than I expect or realize, but I'm not sure anyone close to me really does.  It hurts, feeling alone when you know that you actually aren't.  But there is a difference between being alone and feeling alone.

Something worth repeating that I have said in quite a while.  Bipolar disease is not a choice.  We didn't ask for it; at least, I sure as hell didn't; or panic disorder, for that matter.  Who the hell would WANT to spend what feels like every hour of the waking day and night (especially those where you are lucky enough to sleep) that you are going to drown, be suffocated, feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest, constantly check your own pulse or breathing, feel like you are going to die or even worse yet would rather die, than go through one single second more of whatever it is you are going through.  Another thing worth repeating is sometimes WE DON'T NEED TRIGGERS.  It just happens and it's factually part of the disease(s).

I'm not sure how many of you have high-functioning Asperger type symptoms like I do, but I get overwhelmed and irritated very easily at times.  Yes, very similar to bipolar disorder; but I get to a point of sensory overload within literally a matter of seconds that I wish I couldn't see or hear.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs, OVERSTIMULATION, ASSHOLES!  Sadly, they aren't all assholes, nor do they mean to do it, but how to do explain it to them when they have no idea what it's like to be overstimulated to the point where you would like to rip all your hair out or punch a wall or cry nonstop without running out of actual tears?  I'm not even sure what my coping mechanisms are anymore at that moment and don't even know how to deal with being in my own freaking skin, because it quite literally feels like it's crawling.  Coping skills?  Breathe?  Nope, can't do that.  Ground myself?  Can't do that either.  Scream?  I sure as hell can do that.  Take my mind to my quiet happy place?  LMAO.

What are your coping skills?  Like, the ones that actually work.  Because even though it happens rarely, I feel like I'm at the end of my metaphorical rope.