Self Harm.

As you all know, I run a page called Ramblings of a Bipolar Sober Chick, hence the name of my blog.  It deals with a lot.  Not just strictly the label of bipolar disorder or addiction, but the many underlying facets of those two things.  There is so much that can go into a list under the heading of bipolar disorder alone, so we'll just say "mental illness" for the sake of argument.  I struggle with depression, mania, PTSD, OCD, anxiety and self harm.  Not everyone will have all of those things, but many do.  Depression and mania obviously lie directly under bipolar disorder.

Hi, I'm Barbara, if we haven't "met" yet.

If the subject of self harm is hypersensitive for you, you may want to stop reading here.

I think the first time I ever harmed myself, I was around 16 years old, but it wasn't a regular thing.  As a matter of fact, it didn't become a "thing" until well into my adulthood, right around the time I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  That wasn't until I was about 30 years old.  It became serious when I was around 39.  I'm 45 years old now.  So you can take out of your head that it's just a "teenage thing" or a "cry for attention."  It's neither.

My self harm escalated and peaked as my bipolar disorder was severely uncontrolled and was at it's "peak" I guess you could say.  My primary form of self harm has always been cutting, although I've scratched myself raw before, as well.  I probably have well over 100 scars on my body, but many of them are faded.  Some you can't even see at all anymore.  I believe that when people think of cutting, they always look for it on your wrists.  That's not always the case.  Actually, those of us that self harm are not proud of what we have done, so we tend to hide it with long sleeves or long pants, long shirts even.  I've cut all up and down my arms, my thighs and my stomach.  In November of 2012, when I survived my suicide attempt by taking a bottle of Lithium, I also had about 20 cuts up the length of my arm.  One of the nurses in the emergency room was quite rude and made a big deal about it, saying she'd never seen anything like that and why would I do it?  As if I didn't already feel bad enough.

Why?  Why do we do it?  Believe it or not, we are not trying to kill ourselves when we self harm.  For me, and from what I've heard from many, it is a release of pain.  A reason for pain.  When we feel things so freaking intensely and it doesn't make any sense to hurt so badly, we make that cut to give us a visual for our pain... a "reason" for it.  It becomes an addiction, almost.  No, not almost.  It does.  It also isn't for attention.  It makes me so angry when people make that statement, because as I said before, we hide our wounds and our scars.  Why would we hide them if we are seeking attention from them?  We wouldn't.  

The reason I am even writing this is because recently someone reported a meme dealing with self harm on the Facebook page that I run and Facebook promptly removed it.  It was not overtly graphic nor did it encourage anyone to behave that way.  I gave a trigger warning, just as I did for this blog post.  I will repeat what I said in my post last night on the page, that if you are sensitive to certain things dealing with mental illness, my page may not be the place for you.  It is a safe place where I share things that I know others will relate to, no matter what the subject matter is.  Yes, that subject matter will always fall under the categories of mental illness and/or addiction/sobriety, but it isn't always happy.  It's simply relatable.  Sometimes it's downright sad.  Sometimes it's encouraging and meant to make you smile.

Thankfully, it's been quite a while since I have self harmed.  I'm pretty stable on my medications; all 4 of them.  It doesn't mean I don't have episodes where I think about it, though; and on the occasion in the future where I may slip up, I will move on and forgive myself for harming the encasement of my soul.

If you self harm, I encourage you to seek help.  I'm not telling you that you need to run out and see a psychiatrist or go to therapy, though if that is your choice, they are good ones.  I'm simply saying reach out to someone who you trust, who you know will listen to you without judging you, who will sit by your side and not say a word if you don't want to talk anymore, who will hold you if all you want to do is cry inside.  I do not condone self harm, but I'm not ashamed to tell my story anymore.  I hope more people begin to tell their stories so they can be a beacon of hope to the people that think they are all alone in theirs.

Peace out.

Stopping to Smell the Nightshade.

I heard someone tell a friend who also has bipolar disorder recently, "you people always feel like killing yourselves, so I don't want to hear your drama."  I'm pretty sure the anger I felt surge through my body quite literally made my skin a lovely shade of burgundy, but just in case it didn't and it wasn't obvious that he'd hit a nerve, I made sure he knew it.  What ignorant crap to spew out of ones mouth!

Fact checker:
1.  No, we don't always feel like killing ourselves.
2.  It's not drama, asshole, it's mental illness.
3.  Unless you are going to say something compassionate, or at the very least, intelligent, just shut up because you only sound and look completely stupid and uneducated.
4.  Suicide isn't a joke in any way, shape, or form, so at the assumption that my friend is actually seriously contemplating suicide, you just took the expressway to making her feel a hell of a lot worse, and quite possibly pushing her over the edge... so, thanks.

No wonder mental illness is so hard to talk about.  Especially for those of us that actually HAVE a mental illness.  I mean, why in the world would anyone ever want to open up to anyone if THAT is the kind of response we are going to get?  Yes, we have periods where taking our own life seems like a very good option for the time being, but it's all part of how our brains function; and contrary to seemingly popular belief that we can just "snap out of it," uh no... we can't.  We can't control it the majority of the time, and I speak from experience.  Medication absolutely helps, but it isn't a cure. There is no cure for mental illness, unfortunately.  There is only palliative care, along with therapy, love, compassion, and the hope we get from others who inspire us and from those who actually are willing to listen, even if they don't have any answers.  From the people who say, "I may not understand 100% what you are going through, but I'm here for you if you decide you want to talk about it."  From the people who are going through it alongside us and let us know we are not even remotely close to being alone in this universe, because there are a lot of us out there.  Bipolar disorder is NOT a rare illness.  It affect about 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population 18 and older, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. That number could be dramatically increased if everyone who actually is struggling with it was properly diagnosed.  The percentage may seem small, but that is still quite a few people; enough to where the entire human race should be paying attention.  Add to that the percentage of other mental illnesses, and we have a whole slew of Americans (and I am sure, others in other countries, though I have yet to do that research so I cannot comment on it) who need professional psychiatric care; and we need to stop making people feel ashamed of that fact.  Your physical health is important and you go to the doctor for that.  Why not take care of your mental health, as well?  It is just as important.

I can relate to my friend, sadly.  Although I have never had the exact phrase muttered to me, and I would likely knock some sense into someone if it ever was, I have had something as equally hurtful said.  Actually, I reflect on what I just said about knocking some sense into someone, and I retract.. because I didn't.  I didn't knock sense into the person who said something horrible to me, because I never actually expected to hear something like that come from someone who was supposed to love me more than anyone else on this earth.  He was supposed to be the one person who would love me through everything, the one person I could trust to share my thoughts and feelings with, yet he ended up pretty much just like everyone else.  Wistfully, it is usually loved ones who hurt us in this way, and not strangers.  Just another vast reason for education and paying attention. I went through an exceptionally difficult road with my bipolar disorder in 2012-2013 when I was going through medication changes, along with other factors in life I just don't care to include in this particular post.  I cried; a LOT.  I had only allowed someone to make me feel ashamed of crying once before in my life, and because of that first incidence I didn't cry for an entire 2 years.  In fact, I had completely numbed myself to any emotion that would cause me to be anything but indifferent.  That, I found out, can be way more unhealthy than allowing yourself to feel the God-given emotions you have in the first place.  This time around, I didn't numb myself, but I still found myself very hurt, frustrated, and then ultimately feeling bad because I cry.  What was said to me?  "You always find something to cry about."

I guess it never occurred to him that I had legitimate reasons and sources for emotions each and every single time I shed a tear; however, given that he was usually that source, or at least something he did or said, I guess he really wouldn't think of that, would he?  He isn't exactly the type of person to take any sort of responsibility for his own behavior, but instead would rather point fingers in any available direction away from himself.  I can't think of a single thing during our entire relationship that was actually "his fault."  It was always mine.  But that story of narcissism is definitely a story for another time.  Point being, no, I wasn't always finding a reason to cry. I just happened to cry as a response to pain AND anger, both of which I was experiencing an untoward amount of during that time period.  Now, you might be thinking, "Really?  You got upset because someone complained about your crying?"  You're damn straight I did.  Before you get any bright ideas about calling me defensive, I will tell you right now that "being defensive" has nothing to do with it, and happens to be something else that is said to those with bipolar disorder, as well, and I truly hate it.  It's called being human. Additionally, anything I say in response to it is called standing up for myself, which took me a REALLY long time to be able to do.  If you want to call me defensive, that is positively your prerogative; but if you want the truth, I just look at you calling me that and think that you are just mad because you didn't get my goat, so to speak. Don't you just hate it when former doormats learn how to speak their minds?

I'm a former doormat.

I cry.  I think.  I am.

I stop to smell the roses, yes; but I also occasionally stop to smell the deadly nightshade.  Just not usually on purpose.

It's those moments when I allow the poisonous thoughts inside my head that I end up where my friend recently was.  Contemplating and entertaining thoughts on how this world would just be better off without me.  Thinking about my emotional, and sometimes physical pain, and letting it obscure any positive thoughts that might help me out of my funk.  Not seeing how certain things are ever going to change and finding it unquestionably pointless to go on.  You see, when your mind functions in the way a bipolar mind functions, it isn't always easy to see past the pain.  Have you ever been in so much pain that you seriously wondered if you could even take it anymore?  I have.

I want to LIVE, not just SURVIVE.  When in survival mode, it gets tiring.  It's like running through a tunnel and never ever seeing the end, wondering if you are ever going to see the brightness of the suns rays in your face or feel raindrops hit your skin.  It's like being in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no view of land and just floating, and suddenly your flotation device is ripped away from you and you are struggling to stay above water, but you know, you KNOW that eventually you are no longer going to be able to swim.  You are going to drown.  It's like running in sand.  If you have never tried it, I implore you to go to the nearest beach or any other place that has at least above-ankle deep sand and try running through it as fast as you can, and see how tired you get.. or even how far you get before you can't run through it any longer.

If you don't have a mental image or feeling yet, I feel for you.  Bad, that is.  I feel bad for you.  It makes me wonder if compassion or empathy or anything resembling either even exists anymore.

If you encounter someone who is sad or making comments about taking their own life, or just hurting themselves, don't make it worse.  Don't tell them they always feel that way.  Don't tell them they are being dramatic.  That is your ignorance and inexperience talking, and it shows.  If you can't deal with it, just let them know you aren't sure what to do and ask them if they need to talk to someone else who can help.  If the person has a history of actually being dramatic or saying things for attention, guess what?  It's still a mental illness and quite possibly a personality disorder, and they STILL NEED HELP.  It happens.  Still, be kind.  Call a crisis line and ask how you could help, or get the person help.  If it is way too much for you after that, maybe you should set your own boundaries and back out of the friendship, but don't call them an attention seeker.  They might not even realize they are doing it.  If you feel like anyone who mentions suicide is an idiot and that's your common response... well, you're just an asshole.

I hear so many people say, "I would sit up with you all night if you felt like hurting yourself."  But would you?  Would you, really?

The Reasons.

My last blog, What Did You Say? 
100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)

I promised I would follow up on why these are specifically not what you say, or perhaps just educate you a tiny bit.

The term "we" used below simply indicates those of us that have the mental disorder of bipolar, along with anyone who has any other mental illness (i.e. depression, anxiety, personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc.).

I'm not going to touch on every single one of them. Some of them are similar and/or superfluous. I will touch on the most common...

...and the most ignorant.

Actually, all of them are ignorant, so disregard that last part. If you want to read the entire list, please refer to my previous blog.

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THESE THINGS TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BIPOLAR DISORDER, ETC.

1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.
Actually, if you had any idea what you were talking about, you would know that the majority of people who struggle with mental illness really have a hard time caring about themselves at all. It is a wrestle to love ourselves and the learning process of self-care is a very long journey. So, please; don't trigger someone into feeling even more worthless by letting this garbage come out of your mouth.

3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.
Actually, my mental illness is my worst enemy. I am not my mental illness. I HAVE bipolar disorder. I am NOT bipolar disorder.

4. You are really dragging me down with you.
If it isn't uplifting or encourage, don't freaking say it. We feel bad enough about ourselves without your help.

9. This too shall pass.
Not really. Education much? There is no cure for mental illness. We can be stabilized and go on to live fairly productive and successful lives if adequately treated by all resources available; but we cannot be "fixed." But thanks for your input. 

11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
Our definition of "life" is apparently differently than yours. Would you walk up to a cancer patient and say, "this is life, you'd better get used to it."? If so, you're an ass. This is no different, whether you want to believe that or not.

13. Snap out of it.
LOL. If it were that easy, none of us would struggle with mental illness. Just sayin'. Wow, a world with no depressed people or suicides! Wouldn't that be just majestic?

14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
If I lose friends because of bipolar disorder, they were not my friends to begin with. Also, saying this makes it that much harder to deal with the attached stigma already associated with mental illness, in turn making it harder to reach out to people.

18. I know how you feel.
No, you don't.

19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
And a lot of people have it better than I do. Stop minimizing, patronizing, and invalidating how we feel. It does not matter who has it "worse" in your eyes. What we feel is what we feel, and sometimes that is not something that can be controlled. It isn't always based on circumstance.

21. It's all in your head. (also see, I don't believe in mental illness)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-adults/index.shtml

26. Why can't you just be normal?
If the definition of being normal means being like you, I don't want to be.

32. Are you taking your medication?
First of all, you have no right to ask me that question. Second, it is demeaning because by asking that question you are insinuating that I am not allowed to feel regular human emotions. This questions usually pops up during episodes of crying, being sad, being very happy, being excited, and/or being passionate about something. Just because I am showing my emotions does not mean I am having a depressive or manic episode, and the quicker people get that through their heads, the easier it will become for people like me to actually feel okay to express those emotions rather than feel like we need to carry everything inside all the time in fear of being stigmatized.

36. Stop trying to get attention.
If you only knew how much attention we DON'T want. The attention is inevitable because of ignorance. Also, some of us like to bring awareness to the subject so we can get rid of stigma, as well as share our stories in order to try and help other people. Don't confuse it for attention-seeking.

37. You really need to grow up.
If you say this, it is probably you that need to grow up.

42. You are nothing about drama.
I'm sorry that my emotions make you so uncomfortable. Actually, I'm not. It's usually people that have trouble expressing their emotions that make this statement. There is a difference between "drama" and "mental illness." Drama usually infers that there is acting involved or an intentional stirring up of the peace that surrounds. There is no acting, nor is there anything intentional about the way we feel. So please... just stop.

44. Everybody has mood swings.
Oh, honey.. these are so much more than mood swings. It's called a chemical imbalance. Do not try to equate me to yourself.

47. You're not trying.
I'm trying more than you will ever be capable of understanding, but thank you for making me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I think I might just try harder to give up now.

48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
We are more than capable of having successful, lasting, loving relationships. We just happen to need partners that are understanding, willing to educate themselves, have a lot of compassion, and actually love for the right reasons. Really, that should be every relationship, but hey, what do I know? I have bipolar disorder.

49. Just get a job.
It is simply not that easy for some with mental illness. Your statement is ignorant. Just get an education and please see the definition of "debilitating." Thank you.

52. Don't you want to get better?
No. I want to be like this forever. Is this a serious question??

55. Just pray about it.
I do. Every. Single. Day. My faith is not less just because I have a mental illness. This is not my fault. God is not punishing me. I honestly believe he allows his strongest, whether they know their strength or not, to have the most enervating troubles or illnesses in life. At least, I have seen the strongest I've ever seen come through them. Do not assume that just because we are having trouble from time to time dealing with how we feel or act, that we are not praying. It's not that simple and goes much deeper.

60. You create your own reality.
This is where I'd like to punch someone. Never in a million years would I ever have created this "reality" for myself. EVER. If I could create my own reality, I would be jumping down into a rabbit hole right now, running off to have a spot of tea with the Mad Hatter, because honestly I'd be happier there than I ever would be here.

61. You don't look sick.
Most people with mental illness don't. Please Google "invisible illnesses." Thank you.

70. You aren't disabled.
If there were a way for you to live inside my body and mind for 24 hours, I'd beg you to do it. you would never, ever make this statement again. Not all disabilities can be seen. Tell this to the person who has post-traumatic stress disorder, like myself, when they come across something that triggers them into remembering whatever happened to cause them to have post-traumatic stress disorder in the first place. I can't even find the words to describe how disabling that is. 

78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
Only when around people like you.

88. You really don't need all those medications.
Firstly, thank you for making me feel ashamed because I'm on medication. Secondly, are you a psychiatrist? Thirdly, would you like to see me off my medication? I don't think so.

90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
This is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't make it about you. Bipolar disorder has attributes that are difficult, if not impossible, to control at times. If we could control our emotions and actions as easily as you say you can control yours by "choice," we would. We wouldn't be bipolar. Don't ever imply I don't love you because of my mental illness.

92. You are just being lazy.
Please Google "physical symptoms of bipolar disorder and depression." I really don't even have time for this very stupid statement. I hate that I even acknowledged it.

99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
If I were to be completely honest about this one, I would say we play nothing. We don't want to be victims. We want to be survivors. But truth be told, people who do not understand mental illness MAKE us the victims. They project that identity onto us, whether we want it or not. Also, truth be told, we are victims quite a bit... of stigma. Greater than all, however, we are survivors. Survivors of your expectations and condemnation.

104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
You left a part out. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle WITH HIS HELP OR THE HELP OF OTHERS. We cannot handle this alone. We cannot struggle alone. We are not alone in our struggles. That's why we have each other. So, I beg to differ.

107. Here's my advice...
Unless you are my therapist, psychiatrist, or medical doctor, I do not want your advice unless I ask for it. You are not qualified to give me advice. You have no idea what I'm going through, what my story is, what my illness(es) is, what it is like, how to deal with it, what to say, how to avoid triggering me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... just don't. Don't give unsolicited advice. EVER. 

What Did You Say?

100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)



1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.    
2. The rest of us don't have a fun life either.    
3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.    
4. You are really dragging me down with you.    
5. Don't take it out on everyone else in your life.   
6. You would feel better if you lost some weight.
7. You are a total downer to be around.
8. We all have crosses to bear.
9. This too shall pass.
10. You'd feel better if you just went to church.
11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
12. You deal with things so immaturely.
13. Snap out of it.
14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
15. You are too hard on yourself.
16. You are embarrassing to be with.
17. If you don't like the way your life is, change it.
18. I know how you feel.
19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
20. Try harder to be positive.
21. It's all in your head.
22. Just don't think about it.
23. You brought this on yourself.
24. You can overcome anything if you only set your mind to it.
25. Everybody has a bad day every once in a while.
26. Why can't you just be normal?
27. You really need to get a grip.
28. You cry too much.
29. You get too excited.
30. You are what you think.
31. Lighten up.
32. Are you taking your medication?
33. At least it's not that bad.
34. You think you've got problems...
35. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
36. Stop trying to get attention.
37. You really need to grow up.
38. I thought you were a lot stronger than that.
39. Life isn't fair.
40. What is your problem?
41. Have you gotten tired of being so self-centered?
42. You are nothing but drama.
43. You are overreacting again.
44. Everybody has mood swings.
45. You are crazy (or psycho, nuts, deranged, etc.).
46. There is something wrong with you.
47. You're not trying.
48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
49. Just get a job.
50. I can't help you.
51. All you need to do is distract yourself.
52. Don't you want to get better?
53. Change your attitude.
54. Stop focusing on the bad stuff and just live for the good stuff.
55. Just pray about it.
56. Why can't you work?
57. Everything will look better in the morning.
58. Time heals all wounds.
59. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
60. You create your own reality.
61. You don't look sick.
62. You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
63. You really just need to calm down.
64. I think you have more than just bipolar disorder.
65. No wonder no one can stand being around you.
66. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
67. You need to go see your psychiatrist again.
68. You are the reason I am the way I am.
69. Your faith isn't strong enough.
70. You aren't disabled.
71. Get a life.
72. You are smiling today, you must be cured.
73. Oh, you're depressed? Yeah, I was depressed for a while.
74. Think of all the people you'd be hurting if you ended your life.
75. There is no reason to hurt yourself.
76. It can't be that bad.
77. I don't believe there is such thing as mental illness.
78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
79. It's probably just stress.
80. You'll be better when life calms down.
81. You're always sick.
82. You can will yourself to be better.
83. I think you do this to punish me.
84. Your behavior makes me want to drink.
85. Why are you making yourself so miserable?
86. You could be better if you really wanted to.
87. You must not be living right.
88. You really don't need all those medications.
89. You'd feel better if you weren't taking those pills.
90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
91. Therapists don't help.
92. You are just being lazy.
93. If you won't change for you, at least change for [someone you love].
94. If you were right with God, this wouldn't be happening to you.
95. You'll be a better person because of it.
96. We all have battles.
97. You're wasting your life, you have so much potential.
98. Just let it go.
99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
100. You need therapy.
101. You just need to take care of yourself.
102. If you were exercising, I bet you wouldn't feel this way!
103. You just need to decide what's important to you.
104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
105. Pull yourself together.
106. Stop wallowing in it.
107. And my biggest pet peeve: "Here is my advice......."

We don't need your advice. We need your support.

What is the most important thing to know about people who have mental illness(es)? We need your encouragement, acceptance, respect, empathy (not sympathy), compassion, understanding (education), patience, and friendship. What you say to someone struggling with bipolar disorder, or any MI, can make or break them. Some of the above things listed may seem like good advice or appropriate things to say; they aren't. By saying these things, in one way or another you are either minimizing, invalidating, or criticizing a persons illness and/or feelings/thought process. Honestly, we beat ourselves up enough, we really don't need your help. What you say could potentially trigger an episode, self-injury, or even suicidal ideation and/or actions. PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS. I understand that most things are said (most, not all - some are said out of complete ignorance or cruelty) with correct intentions and triggering is unintentional. That's why I'm giving you this list. I've heard them all. I'm sure there is more, but it's all I could think of. If you care about someone who has bipolar disorder, let them know by validating their emotions and what they are going through... not by comparing them to anyone or anything, stereotyping them, or tearing them down.

NEXT BLOG: Why each one of these are specifically not what you say.

Previous Blog: http://ramblingsofabipolarsoberchick.blogspot.com/2014/07/fallen-masks.html

Fallen Masks.

I'm done fighting. Not that I think I can be perfect, because I know I'm not. I'm done fighting trying to be perfect.

It's hard to be a Christian with a mental illness. It's hard to be anyone with a mental illness, but it seems like it's even harder when you are a Christian. Some people think you can just pray things away, or if you are struggling too much with sadness or hurt that you don't have enough faith. I have faith. I have a LOT of faith. I know my God is here and I know He is not going anywhere. I also have these things called "emotions" that He gave me. I'm pretty sure he gave them to all of us, although there are a handful of people I have met, where I've wondered, "sociopath?" Also a mental illness, so I can't hate too much. That's a whole other kind of mental illness. I guess I should be thankful that I have bipolar disorder, because I'd rather feel too much than not feel anything at all. Yes, I can say that truthfully and know what it is like on both sides - not being a sociopath, never been one of those - but not feeling. I was on a medication once that made me literally feel NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zero. I didn't cry for close to 2 years, even when I wanted to. I'll take feeling over that experience any day.

I guess I just feel like I have extra stigma attached to me and it is weighing me down. I feel judged. Misunderstood. Looked down on. Hated, even. All the devil's lies, but I feel them, nonetheless. I can't keep myself under that weight anymore, though. It's too heavy and by trying to "keep it all together" at certain times, I'm hiding who I truly am; and that's just not something I do! So, it's time to rip off the masks.

People need to understand that Christians struggle to. We struggle with the same things everyone else struggles with! Please don't put us on pedestals. We will most likely fall, and possibly even break. Christians need to understand that we are people. People who struggle. People who aren't any better than anyone else. The only difference between us and non-believers, is we have Jesus. Jesus gives us hope, yes. That doesn't mean he promised we'd never struggle, though. 

Hello, I'm Barbara, I'm a Christian, and I struggle with bipolar disorder, and a multitude of other things that I'm sure will come out in my blogs at some point. Right now, I am hurting. I am sad. I am anxious, at times. I am super pissed right now. I think I'm in the Anger stage of denial, because I wasn't seeing a breakup for what it obviously truly is. A breakup. Not a break like he made it sound originally, but a breakup. And that's messed up.

Tell me, if someone tells you they love you and miss you, but love is not enough, what would your response be? Is love enough? I'm pretty sure it says in the Bible that love endures all things. Apparently not so in the lives of some. Even sadder, in the lives of some Christians. Maybe it's because God gave me a huge heart; and I wish He hadn't sometimes. Sure, I feel things deeper, love stronger, but I also fall harder and hurt.... I don't know. Point? If you love someone, you work through it; you don't get over it. That may just be my opinion, and it's fine if that's all it is, but I base it on what I know to be true. Not just of myself, but of God.

I've been acting strong. Don't get me wrong, I AM strong, but I've felt this burning need to be stronger than usual.

i am wonder woman!

Not. That's what I have been acting like, though. I didn't do it on purpose, or purposely put up a front. I didn't even realize I was doing it... until today. When my masks fell off. Well, one of them fell off... then I ripped the rest off. The mask of I'm just fine, worry about yourself. The mask of I'm super strong and can handle anything life throws my way, whether I ask God about it or not. The mask of this doesn't hurt that much, I can deal. The mask of who cares what he is thinking or how he feels? I'm getting healthy! All horrible masks. Don't wear them. 

As I got choked up today and let 2 tears fall - yes, 2, I counted - I realized that I was not allowing myself to feel everything I need to be feeling in the course of this breakup. My mask of I'm totally not allowed to feel anything, because if I do, and I cry a lot or get too angry, or if I seem inappropriately happy because I actually am happy at that moment, people will wonder if I'm taking my medication or think I'm having some kind of rapid cycling, or manic episode, or depressive episode, or what the hell is wrong with her she needs help because she isn't acting the way we think she should act in the kind of situation she is in, especially with her "problems!"

That mask. THE MASK OF STIGMA.

Don't expect me to wear it anymore. Don't expect me to care anymore what you think when I show my emotions. If I cry, I cry. If I scream, I scream. If I laugh, I laugh. If I throw.... you get the picture. It's the stupid people-pleasing, codependent, fear of what others think crap that I'm trying to get rid off, so I'm giving it a good swift kick in the ass. 

Oh, I do use a curse word every now and then, too. I really, really try not to, because it hurts even my ears when other people curse too much around me, but it happens. Just thought I should let you know.

Having said all of that, now that my masks are off, this is really what I'm thinking and feeling today:

I'm going to lose it. I feel like my heart is dying inside my body. Literally dying. I haven't self-injured in well over a year, and guess what? I'm thinking about it. No reason to run off and call 911 or freak out on me, I'm just telling you the thought has crossed my mind. No, I don't want to kill myself. Yes, sometimes I want to be dead. Wanting to be dead and wanting to commit suicide are two different things. Believe me, I know. I'm angry because I don't feel like I deserve what I am going through. I am close to hating the person I've loved the most in my life, other than my kids, and that is a horrible thought to know I feel that way. I love him, but I don't. I've been pushed so far away, that I almost have no desire to come back.. at all. Looks like I don't have to worry about that anyway, but still. I've BEEN getting pushed away for a long time now, so I think part of me is resentful that I've now been pushed this damn far.  I have my faults, obviously. I'm bipolar. It's not my fault that I'm bipolar, but I know that bipolar people are not always easy to live with. When I wasn't stable on medication I cried.. a lot. I went through a self-injury phase. I went through a year of rapid cycling that caused me to try and commit suicide in November of 2012. I spent 3 days in the critical care unit with a babysitter before transferring to the psychiatric unit for another 10 days. This was all over Thanksgiving holiday, so that made it worse. What made it even worse than that, is when I called my [then] fiance on Thanksgiving, really needing someone to come visit with me, he didn't answer the first 3 times. When he finally did answer, he was so slobbering drunk and mean that it set me off to where I had to be sedated. That shouldn't happen. Okay, so you have a hard time dealing with what just happened. You just obviously don't care enough that I'm still alive. Again, this is just the way I feel. He needed to be with family. I wasn't his family; and I never will be. 

If you have a significant other with any type of mental illness, for the love of God please educate yourself and be willing to learn everything you can to help them, be with them, love them; it makes all the difference in the world, for BOTH of you. I don't believe people are supposed to pick and choose what to love and not love about each other when it comes to things like this. I'm sure there are things that both sides need to work on, regardless of whether it is mental illness or not. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.... what do I feel about that right now? It's a crock. But I can tell you one thing. I will NEVER be with someone again who tells me any of the following:

-you always find something to cry about

-you are disgusting

-you are dumb

-there's something seriously wrong with you

-don't use your bipolar disorder as an excuse for how you act

-you need to grow up and get over it

-cunt

-i thought you were stronger than that

-did you forget to take your medication or something

-will you stop that constant whining

-everyone has problems

-you brought this on yourself

-you are the reason i need to self-medicate

-you are the most difficult person to be around in the world

-anyone would be depressed being with you

-crazy

If I sat here long enough, I'm sure I could think of more things that I heard, but ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

If you look at the list, what bipolar person wouldn't get WORSE living with someone like THAT??

I feel better just having gotten today's feelings out and that just proves to me that, that is what I need to be doing. I don't need to wear masks. I don't need to pretend I'm okay when I'm not, just because I'm afraid someone is going to stigmatize me; because chances are.... they already are anyway.