Self Harm.

As you all know, I run a page called Ramblings of a Bipolar Sober Chick, hence the name of my blog.  It deals with a lot.  Not just strictly the label of bipolar disorder or addiction, but the many underlying facets of those two things.  There is so much that can go into a list under the heading of bipolar disorder alone, so we'll just say "mental illness" for the sake of argument.  I struggle with depression, mania, PTSD, OCD, anxiety and self harm.  Not everyone will have all of those things, but many do.  Depression and mania obviously lie directly under bipolar disorder.

Hi, I'm Barbara, if we haven't "met" yet.

If the subject of self harm is hypersensitive for you, you may want to stop reading here.

I think the first time I ever harmed myself, I was around 16 years old, but it wasn't a regular thing.  As a matter of fact, it didn't become a "thing" until well into my adulthood, right around the time I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  That wasn't until I was about 30 years old.  It became serious when I was around 39.  I'm 45 years old now.  So you can take out of your head that it's just a "teenage thing" or a "cry for attention."  It's neither.

My self harm escalated and peaked as my bipolar disorder was severely uncontrolled and was at it's "peak" I guess you could say.  My primary form of self harm has always been cutting, although I've scratched myself raw before, as well.  I probably have well over 100 scars on my body, but many of them are faded.  Some you can't even see at all anymore.  I believe that when people think of cutting, they always look for it on your wrists.  That's not always the case.  Actually, those of us that self harm are not proud of what we have done, so we tend to hide it with long sleeves or long pants, long shirts even.  I've cut all up and down my arms, my thighs and my stomach.  In November of 2012, when I survived my suicide attempt by taking a bottle of Lithium, I also had about 20 cuts up the length of my arm.  One of the nurses in the emergency room was quite rude and made a big deal about it, saying she'd never seen anything like that and why would I do it?  As if I didn't already feel bad enough.

Why?  Why do we do it?  Believe it or not, we are not trying to kill ourselves when we self harm.  For me, and from what I've heard from many, it is a release of pain.  A reason for pain.  When we feel things so freaking intensely and it doesn't make any sense to hurt so badly, we make that cut to give us a visual for our pain... a "reason" for it.  It becomes an addiction, almost.  No, not almost.  It does.  It also isn't for attention.  It makes me so angry when people make that statement, because as I said before, we hide our wounds and our scars.  Why would we hide them if we are seeking attention from them?  We wouldn't.  

The reason I am even writing this is because recently someone reported a meme dealing with self harm on the Facebook page that I run and Facebook promptly removed it.  It was not overtly graphic nor did it encourage anyone to behave that way.  I gave a trigger warning, just as I did for this blog post.  I will repeat what I said in my post last night on the page, that if you are sensitive to certain things dealing with mental illness, my page may not be the place for you.  It is a safe place where I share things that I know others will relate to, no matter what the subject matter is.  Yes, that subject matter will always fall under the categories of mental illness and/or addiction/sobriety, but it isn't always happy.  It's simply relatable.  Sometimes it's downright sad.  Sometimes it's encouraging and meant to make you smile.

Thankfully, it's been quite a while since I have self harmed.  I'm pretty stable on my medications; all 4 of them.  It doesn't mean I don't have episodes where I think about it, though; and on the occasion in the future where I may slip up, I will move on and forgive myself for harming the encasement of my soul.

If you self harm, I encourage you to seek help.  I'm not telling you that you need to run out and see a psychiatrist or go to therapy, though if that is your choice, they are good ones.  I'm simply saying reach out to someone who you trust, who you know will listen to you without judging you, who will sit by your side and not say a word if you don't want to talk anymore, who will hold you if all you want to do is cry inside.  I do not condone self harm, but I'm not ashamed to tell my story anymore.  I hope more people begin to tell their stories so they can be a beacon of hope to the people that think they are all alone in theirs.

Peace out.

The Reasons.

My last blog, What Did You Say? 
100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)

I promised I would follow up on why these are specifically not what you say, or perhaps just educate you a tiny bit.

The term "we" used below simply indicates those of us that have the mental disorder of bipolar, along with anyone who has any other mental illness (i.e. depression, anxiety, personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc.).

I'm not going to touch on every single one of them. Some of them are similar and/or superfluous. I will touch on the most common...

...and the most ignorant.

Actually, all of them are ignorant, so disregard that last part. If you want to read the entire list, please refer to my previous blog.

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THESE THINGS TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BIPOLAR DISORDER, ETC.

1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.
Actually, if you had any idea what you were talking about, you would know that the majority of people who struggle with mental illness really have a hard time caring about themselves at all. It is a wrestle to love ourselves and the learning process of self-care is a very long journey. So, please; don't trigger someone into feeling even more worthless by letting this garbage come out of your mouth.

3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.
Actually, my mental illness is my worst enemy. I am not my mental illness. I HAVE bipolar disorder. I am NOT bipolar disorder.

4. You are really dragging me down with you.
If it isn't uplifting or encourage, don't freaking say it. We feel bad enough about ourselves without your help.

9. This too shall pass.
Not really. Education much? There is no cure for mental illness. We can be stabilized and go on to live fairly productive and successful lives if adequately treated by all resources available; but we cannot be "fixed." But thanks for your input. 

11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
Our definition of "life" is apparently differently than yours. Would you walk up to a cancer patient and say, "this is life, you'd better get used to it."? If so, you're an ass. This is no different, whether you want to believe that or not.

13. Snap out of it.
LOL. If it were that easy, none of us would struggle with mental illness. Just sayin'. Wow, a world with no depressed people or suicides! Wouldn't that be just majestic?

14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
If I lose friends because of bipolar disorder, they were not my friends to begin with. Also, saying this makes it that much harder to deal with the attached stigma already associated with mental illness, in turn making it harder to reach out to people.

18. I know how you feel.
No, you don't.

19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
And a lot of people have it better than I do. Stop minimizing, patronizing, and invalidating how we feel. It does not matter who has it "worse" in your eyes. What we feel is what we feel, and sometimes that is not something that can be controlled. It isn't always based on circumstance.

21. It's all in your head. (also see, I don't believe in mental illness)
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-adults/index.shtml

26. Why can't you just be normal?
If the definition of being normal means being like you, I don't want to be.

32. Are you taking your medication?
First of all, you have no right to ask me that question. Second, it is demeaning because by asking that question you are insinuating that I am not allowed to feel regular human emotions. This questions usually pops up during episodes of crying, being sad, being very happy, being excited, and/or being passionate about something. Just because I am showing my emotions does not mean I am having a depressive or manic episode, and the quicker people get that through their heads, the easier it will become for people like me to actually feel okay to express those emotions rather than feel like we need to carry everything inside all the time in fear of being stigmatized.

36. Stop trying to get attention.
If you only knew how much attention we DON'T want. The attention is inevitable because of ignorance. Also, some of us like to bring awareness to the subject so we can get rid of stigma, as well as share our stories in order to try and help other people. Don't confuse it for attention-seeking.

37. You really need to grow up.
If you say this, it is probably you that need to grow up.

42. You are nothing about drama.
I'm sorry that my emotions make you so uncomfortable. Actually, I'm not. It's usually people that have trouble expressing their emotions that make this statement. There is a difference between "drama" and "mental illness." Drama usually infers that there is acting involved or an intentional stirring up of the peace that surrounds. There is no acting, nor is there anything intentional about the way we feel. So please... just stop.

44. Everybody has mood swings.
Oh, honey.. these are so much more than mood swings. It's called a chemical imbalance. Do not try to equate me to yourself.

47. You're not trying.
I'm trying more than you will ever be capable of understanding, but thank you for making me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I think I might just try harder to give up now.

48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
We are more than capable of having successful, lasting, loving relationships. We just happen to need partners that are understanding, willing to educate themselves, have a lot of compassion, and actually love for the right reasons. Really, that should be every relationship, but hey, what do I know? I have bipolar disorder.

49. Just get a job.
It is simply not that easy for some with mental illness. Your statement is ignorant. Just get an education and please see the definition of "debilitating." Thank you.

52. Don't you want to get better?
No. I want to be like this forever. Is this a serious question??

55. Just pray about it.
I do. Every. Single. Day. My faith is not less just because I have a mental illness. This is not my fault. God is not punishing me. I honestly believe he allows his strongest, whether they know their strength or not, to have the most enervating troubles or illnesses in life. At least, I have seen the strongest I've ever seen come through them. Do not assume that just because we are having trouble from time to time dealing with how we feel or act, that we are not praying. It's not that simple and goes much deeper.

60. You create your own reality.
This is where I'd like to punch someone. Never in a million years would I ever have created this "reality" for myself. EVER. If I could create my own reality, I would be jumping down into a rabbit hole right now, running off to have a spot of tea with the Mad Hatter, because honestly I'd be happier there than I ever would be here.

61. You don't look sick.
Most people with mental illness don't. Please Google "invisible illnesses." Thank you.

70. You aren't disabled.
If there were a way for you to live inside my body and mind for 24 hours, I'd beg you to do it. you would never, ever make this statement again. Not all disabilities can be seen. Tell this to the person who has post-traumatic stress disorder, like myself, when they come across something that triggers them into remembering whatever happened to cause them to have post-traumatic stress disorder in the first place. I can't even find the words to describe how disabling that is. 

78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
Only when around people like you.

88. You really don't need all those medications.
Firstly, thank you for making me feel ashamed because I'm on medication. Secondly, are you a psychiatrist? Thirdly, would you like to see me off my medication? I don't think so.

90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
This is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, so don't make it about you. Bipolar disorder has attributes that are difficult, if not impossible, to control at times. If we could control our emotions and actions as easily as you say you can control yours by "choice," we would. We wouldn't be bipolar. Don't ever imply I don't love you because of my mental illness.

92. You are just being lazy.
Please Google "physical symptoms of bipolar disorder and depression." I really don't even have time for this very stupid statement. I hate that I even acknowledged it.

99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
If I were to be completely honest about this one, I would say we play nothing. We don't want to be victims. We want to be survivors. But truth be told, people who do not understand mental illness MAKE us the victims. They project that identity onto us, whether we want it or not. Also, truth be told, we are victims quite a bit... of stigma. Greater than all, however, we are survivors. Survivors of your expectations and condemnation.

104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
You left a part out. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle WITH HIS HELP OR THE HELP OF OTHERS. We cannot handle this alone. We cannot struggle alone. We are not alone in our struggles. That's why we have each other. So, I beg to differ.

107. Here's my advice...
Unless you are my therapist, psychiatrist, or medical doctor, I do not want your advice unless I ask for it. You are not qualified to give me advice. You have no idea what I'm going through, what my story is, what my illness(es) is, what it is like, how to deal with it, what to say, how to avoid triggering me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... just don't. Don't give unsolicited advice. EVER. 

What Did You Say?

100 Thing Never Say To A Person With Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness, for that matter)
(+7 bonus, just for added measure)



1. You don't care about anyone but yourself.    
2. The rest of us don't have a fun life either.    
3. You know, you are your own worst enemy.    
4. You are really dragging me down with you.    
5. Don't take it out on everyone else in your life.   
6. You would feel better if you lost some weight.
7. You are a total downer to be around.
8. We all have crosses to bear.
9. This too shall pass.
10. You'd feel better if you just went to church.
11. This is life. You'd better get used to it.
12. You deal with things so immaturely.
13. Snap out of it.
14. You are going to lose friends if you keep acting this way.
15. You are too hard on yourself.
16. You are embarrassing to be with.
17. If you don't like the way your life is, change it.
18. I know how you feel.
19. A lot of people have it worse than you do.
20. Try harder to be positive.
21. It's all in your head.
22. Just don't think about it.
23. You brought this on yourself.
24. You can overcome anything if you only set your mind to it.
25. Everybody has a bad day every once in a while.
26. Why can't you just be normal?
27. You really need to get a grip.
28. You cry too much.
29. You get too excited.
30. You are what you think.
31. Lighten up.
32. Are you taking your medication?
33. At least it's not that bad.
34. You think you've got problems...
35. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
36. Stop trying to get attention.
37. You really need to grow up.
38. I thought you were a lot stronger than that.
39. Life isn't fair.
40. What is your problem?
41. Have you gotten tired of being so self-centered?
42. You are nothing but drama.
43. You are overreacting again.
44. Everybody has mood swings.
45. You are crazy (or psycho, nuts, deranged, etc.).
46. There is something wrong with you.
47. You're not trying.
48. You'll never be capable of a relationship.
49. Just get a job.
50. I can't help you.
51. All you need to do is distract yourself.
52. Don't you want to get better?
53. Change your attitude.
54. Stop focusing on the bad stuff and just live for the good stuff.
55. Just pray about it.
56. Why can't you work?
57. Everything will look better in the morning.
58. Time heals all wounds.
59. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
60. You create your own reality.
61. You don't look sick.
62. You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
63. You really just need to calm down.
64. I think you have more than just bipolar disorder.
65. No wonder no one can stand being around you.
66. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
67. You need to go see your psychiatrist again.
68. You are the reason I am the way I am.
69. Your faith isn't strong enough.
70. You aren't disabled.
71. Get a life.
72. You are smiling today, you must be cured.
73. Oh, you're depressed? Yeah, I was depressed for a while.
74. Think of all the people you'd be hurting if you ended your life.
75. There is no reason to hurt yourself.
76. It can't be that bad.
77. I don't believe there is such thing as mental illness.
78. Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
79. It's probably just stress.
80. You'll be better when life calms down.
81. You're always sick.
82. You can will yourself to be better.
83. I think you do this to punish me.
84. Your behavior makes me want to drink.
85. Why are you making yourself so miserable?
86. You could be better if you really wanted to.
87. You must not be living right.
88. You really don't need all those medications.
89. You'd feel better if you weren't taking those pills.
90. If you loved me, you wouldn't act this way.
91. Therapists don't help.
92. You are just being lazy.
93. If you won't change for you, at least change for [someone you love].
94. If you were right with God, this wouldn't be happening to you.
95. You'll be a better person because of it.
96. We all have battles.
97. You're wasting your life, you have so much potential.
98. Just let it go.
99. Why do you always have to play the victim?
100. You need therapy.
101. You just need to take care of yourself.
102. If you were exercising, I bet you wouldn't feel this way!
103. You just need to decide what's important to you.
104. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.
105. Pull yourself together.
106. Stop wallowing in it.
107. And my biggest pet peeve: "Here is my advice......."

We don't need your advice. We need your support.

What is the most important thing to know about people who have mental illness(es)? We need your encouragement, acceptance, respect, empathy (not sympathy), compassion, understanding (education), patience, and friendship. What you say to someone struggling with bipolar disorder, or any MI, can make or break them. Some of the above things listed may seem like good advice or appropriate things to say; they aren't. By saying these things, in one way or another you are either minimizing, invalidating, or criticizing a persons illness and/or feelings/thought process. Honestly, we beat ourselves up enough, we really don't need your help. What you say could potentially trigger an episode, self-injury, or even suicidal ideation and/or actions. PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS. I understand that most things are said (most, not all - some are said out of complete ignorance or cruelty) with correct intentions and triggering is unintentional. That's why I'm giving you this list. I've heard them all. I'm sure there is more, but it's all I could think of. If you care about someone who has bipolar disorder, let them know by validating their emotions and what they are going through... not by comparing them to anyone or anything, stereotyping them, or tearing them down.

NEXT BLOG: Why each one of these are specifically not what you say.

Previous Blog: http://ramblingsofabipolarsoberchick.blogspot.com/2014/07/fallen-masks.html