Stopping to Smell the Nightshade.

I heard someone tell a friend who also has bipolar disorder recently, "you people always feel like killing yourselves, so I don't want to hear your drama."  I'm pretty sure the anger I felt surge through my body quite literally made my skin a lovely shade of burgundy, but just in case it didn't and it wasn't obvious that he'd hit a nerve, I made sure he knew it.  What ignorant crap to spew out of ones mouth!

Fact checker:
1.  No, we don't always feel like killing ourselves.
2.  It's not drama, asshole, it's mental illness.
3.  Unless you are going to say something compassionate, or at the very least, intelligent, just shut up because you only sound and look completely stupid and uneducated.
4.  Suicide isn't a joke in any way, shape, or form, so at the assumption that my friend is actually seriously contemplating suicide, you just took the expressway to making her feel a hell of a lot worse, and quite possibly pushing her over the edge... so, thanks.

No wonder mental illness is so hard to talk about.  Especially for those of us that actually HAVE a mental illness.  I mean, why in the world would anyone ever want to open up to anyone if THAT is the kind of response we are going to get?  Yes, we have periods where taking our own life seems like a very good option for the time being, but it's all part of how our brains function; and contrary to seemingly popular belief that we can just "snap out of it," uh no... we can't.  We can't control it the majority of the time, and I speak from experience.  Medication absolutely helps, but it isn't a cure. There is no cure for mental illness, unfortunately.  There is only palliative care, along with therapy, love, compassion, and the hope we get from others who inspire us and from those who actually are willing to listen, even if they don't have any answers.  From the people who say, "I may not understand 100% what you are going through, but I'm here for you if you decide you want to talk about it."  From the people who are going through it alongside us and let us know we are not even remotely close to being alone in this universe, because there are a lot of us out there.  Bipolar disorder is NOT a rare illness.  It affect about 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population 18 and older, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. That number could be dramatically increased if everyone who actually is struggling with it was properly diagnosed.  The percentage may seem small, but that is still quite a few people; enough to where the entire human race should be paying attention.  Add to that the percentage of other mental illnesses, and we have a whole slew of Americans (and I am sure, others in other countries, though I have yet to do that research so I cannot comment on it) who need professional psychiatric care; and we need to stop making people feel ashamed of that fact.  Your physical health is important and you go to the doctor for that.  Why not take care of your mental health, as well?  It is just as important.

I can relate to my friend, sadly.  Although I have never had the exact phrase muttered to me, and I would likely knock some sense into someone if it ever was, I have had something as equally hurtful said.  Actually, I reflect on what I just said about knocking some sense into someone, and I retract.. because I didn't.  I didn't knock sense into the person who said something horrible to me, because I never actually expected to hear something like that come from someone who was supposed to love me more than anyone else on this earth.  He was supposed to be the one person who would love me through everything, the one person I could trust to share my thoughts and feelings with, yet he ended up pretty much just like everyone else.  Wistfully, it is usually loved ones who hurt us in this way, and not strangers.  Just another vast reason for education and paying attention. I went through an exceptionally difficult road with my bipolar disorder in 2012-2013 when I was going through medication changes, along with other factors in life I just don't care to include in this particular post.  I cried; a LOT.  I had only allowed someone to make me feel ashamed of crying once before in my life, and because of that first incidence I didn't cry for an entire 2 years.  In fact, I had completely numbed myself to any emotion that would cause me to be anything but indifferent.  That, I found out, can be way more unhealthy than allowing yourself to feel the God-given emotions you have in the first place.  This time around, I didn't numb myself, but I still found myself very hurt, frustrated, and then ultimately feeling bad because I cry.  What was said to me?  "You always find something to cry about."

I guess it never occurred to him that I had legitimate reasons and sources for emotions each and every single time I shed a tear; however, given that he was usually that source, or at least something he did or said, I guess he really wouldn't think of that, would he?  He isn't exactly the type of person to take any sort of responsibility for his own behavior, but instead would rather point fingers in any available direction away from himself.  I can't think of a single thing during our entire relationship that was actually "his fault."  It was always mine.  But that story of narcissism is definitely a story for another time.  Point being, no, I wasn't always finding a reason to cry. I just happened to cry as a response to pain AND anger, both of which I was experiencing an untoward amount of during that time period.  Now, you might be thinking, "Really?  You got upset because someone complained about your crying?"  You're damn straight I did.  Before you get any bright ideas about calling me defensive, I will tell you right now that "being defensive" has nothing to do with it, and happens to be something else that is said to those with bipolar disorder, as well, and I truly hate it.  It's called being human. Additionally, anything I say in response to it is called standing up for myself, which took me a REALLY long time to be able to do.  If you want to call me defensive, that is positively your prerogative; but if you want the truth, I just look at you calling me that and think that you are just mad because you didn't get my goat, so to speak. Don't you just hate it when former doormats learn how to speak their minds?

I'm a former doormat.

I cry.  I think.  I am.

I stop to smell the roses, yes; but I also occasionally stop to smell the deadly nightshade.  Just not usually on purpose.

It's those moments when I allow the poisonous thoughts inside my head that I end up where my friend recently was.  Contemplating and entertaining thoughts on how this world would just be better off without me.  Thinking about my emotional, and sometimes physical pain, and letting it obscure any positive thoughts that might help me out of my funk.  Not seeing how certain things are ever going to change and finding it unquestionably pointless to go on.  You see, when your mind functions in the way a bipolar mind functions, it isn't always easy to see past the pain.  Have you ever been in so much pain that you seriously wondered if you could even take it anymore?  I have.

I want to LIVE, not just SURVIVE.  When in survival mode, it gets tiring.  It's like running through a tunnel and never ever seeing the end, wondering if you are ever going to see the brightness of the suns rays in your face or feel raindrops hit your skin.  It's like being in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no view of land and just floating, and suddenly your flotation device is ripped away from you and you are struggling to stay above water, but you know, you KNOW that eventually you are no longer going to be able to swim.  You are going to drown.  It's like running in sand.  If you have never tried it, I implore you to go to the nearest beach or any other place that has at least above-ankle deep sand and try running through it as fast as you can, and see how tired you get.. or even how far you get before you can't run through it any longer.

If you don't have a mental image or feeling yet, I feel for you.  Bad, that is.  I feel bad for you.  It makes me wonder if compassion or empathy or anything resembling either even exists anymore.

If you encounter someone who is sad or making comments about taking their own life, or just hurting themselves, don't make it worse.  Don't tell them they always feel that way.  Don't tell them they are being dramatic.  That is your ignorance and inexperience talking, and it shows.  If you can't deal with it, just let them know you aren't sure what to do and ask them if they need to talk to someone else who can help.  If the person has a history of actually being dramatic or saying things for attention, guess what?  It's still a mental illness and quite possibly a personality disorder, and they STILL NEED HELP.  It happens.  Still, be kind.  Call a crisis line and ask how you could help, or get the person help.  If it is way too much for you after that, maybe you should set your own boundaries and back out of the friendship, but don't call them an attention seeker.  They might not even realize they are doing it.  If you feel like anyone who mentions suicide is an idiot and that's your common response... well, you're just an asshole.

I hear so many people say, "I would sit up with you all night if you felt like hurting yourself."  But would you?  Would you, really?

Bully-Cide. Too Close To Home.

It has taken me a few days to feel like I could write about this. The suicide of Robin Williams was difficult to write about. This.. this is just.. I don't know what this is. We hear about it. We read about it. Some of us have thought about it. Some of us have tried it. But when a child; yes, a CHILD, takes his own life in the school of an immediate relative, it hits you. It hits you so hard that you actually lose your breath. Your stomach twists and your heart drops, and feels like it almost stops. Your throat gets that pain, that aching sensation, and you know the tears are coming. The internal pain is so bad all of a sudden that you just don't know what to do with it. Crying suddenly doesn't seem enough. You want to scream. Then you think about that child's parents. Oh my gosh, that child's parents!! I'm a parent. A parent of four amazing children, and one of those children has tried to take her own life multiple times, during the year of 2011. Thankfully, she did not succeed. If she had - I can't bear the thought. My eyes are burning now. Then you think about your immediate relative. My niece goes to that school. MY NIECE GOES TO THAT SCHOOL! My heart breaks for her and the madness that she now finds herself surrounded with; the questions that must be running through her mind; the probable fear lurking inside somewhere; the sadness.

Lamar Hawkins was a 14-year-old 8th grader at Greenwood Lakes Middle School. Lamar was actually a fairly small child for his age. He had health complications early on in life, and his small size made him an easy target for bullies. He didn't grow up in Central Florida. He actually moved here from New York, ironically to escape bullying.

“The family lived in New York, the child was bullied in New York, they fled to Florida to leave the bullies in New York and when they got here, it continued,” said attorney Matt Morgan. -taken from an interview by WFTV, Central Florida.

I've watched several interviews with students and friends of Lamar, talked to different people, read dozens of articles that have come out since this happened, and the more time that passes, the more evident it has become that Lamar was a good, polite, nice young man, victimized physically and emotionally because of his size, and because his cries for help constantly fell on deaf ears. Morgan said the boy’s dad went to the school about the bullying issue, but district officials said they couldn’t talk about any action that was taken because of student confidentiality. -same interview. Really? I suppose I can understand not being able to tell the bully's name(s), but you can't tell the parent whether anything was done or not? Am I reading that correctly? “They have had to deal with emotions that no parent should have to deal with. It’s something that is every parent’s worst nightmare, having to bury their child,” Morgan said. This child was bullied, literally, to death.” -same interview.

On Wednesday, September 10, 2014, while I was busy writing on my Facebook page about the fact that it was World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day, and to please reach out if you felt like you needed help, a child the same age as my youngest son put a gun to his head in the restroom facility of a public school less than a mile from where I once lived, pulled the trigger, and ended his own life. 

According to Seminole County deputies, Lamar's mother went to Greenwood Lakes Middle School to pick him up from school at about 5 p.m., but she could not find him. She then returned home and searched the neighborhood for approximately 2 hours, after which she decided to call the authorities, reporting him missing. Sheriff's deputies were then dispatched to Greenwood Lakes to fully search the campus and they eventually found Lamar in a boy's bathroom stall, with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, at around 7 p.m. It has been reported that the gun belonged to Lamar's father, but I've found no details on how Lamar actually came to be in possession of the gun himself, and Lamar's father will not comment on the subject as of yet. That really isn't the point, in my humble opinion, though. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. Remember, I know. I've been there personally. 

I can't help but think of the fear in that boy, the courage it took to actually put that gun against the side of his head; yes, you read that correctly. I said courage. As I said when I wrote about the death of Robin Williams, suicide is not the easy way out. It does not take a coward to commit suicide. You are very sadly mistaken if you think so. I will repeat it until the day that I, myself, take my very last breath. Cowards don't commit suicide. Courageous people who have had to live each day with more strength than you could possibly imagine do. Do I condone it? Absolutely not! But don't ever tell me it's selfish, thoughtless, cowardly, or otherwise. You, or I, will never know all of the things that Lamar had to endure up until that point, all the things that he kept inside because the times he did say something, it was swept under the rug, all the emotional torment that he had piercing his soul while he bravely fought the world second by second until one too many ruthless teenagers told him he should just go ahead and kill himself. Yes, they did. Students have reported that not only was Lamar bullied, but he was bullied to the extent of being told he should take his own life.  Watch the video on one of the first reports done on this story and hear it from a student's mouth directly: BULLYING LED MIDDLE-SCHOOL STUDENT TO KILL HIMSELF

It's time to stand up against bullying. Our community came together, hopefully for the beautiful start of a campaign against bullying at Greenwood Lakes Middle School, as these Greenwood Lakes middle schoolers began to join hands down the sidewalk in support and memory of Lamar Hawkins.

When is enough going to be enough? Is teasing okay? Do we just sit back and say "kids will be kids" and chalk it up to lessons learned in life? I don't freaking think so! It is not normal nor is it right for a child to tell another child to just go and kill him/herself! Teasing IS bullying when taken to extremes! Some kids, and even some adults, are way more susceptible to emotional damage caused by teasing, even if the teasing is considered "minor" because of mental health issues or other underlying factors, such as perhaps being abused as a child. The fact is, YOU DON'T KNOW. That alone should be enough to act like a civilized human being, I don't care how old you are. Parents: Talk to your children about bullying and explain to them that it is not okay to make fun of someone else for any reason; it is not okay to talk about another person behind their back; it is not okay to speak hatefully about someone, whether you know them or not, but especially if you don't know them. Children/Teenagers: Watch your mouth! If you wouldn't want something said to you, why in the world would you say it to someone else? Treat each other with respect. Have dignity and uphold integrity. Think about when you have children one day; would you want someone to do or say the things to YOUR child that you are doing or saying to someone else's child? I don't want to hear "Oh, I would just think it was a joke." or "I didn't really mean anything by it." or "Some kids are way too sensitive." or "People really need to get a sense of humor." I'm not sorry, but I don't think telling another child that he should kill himself is anywhere near funny. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. -often attributed to both T.H. Thompson and John Watson, and even J. M. Barrie, but appears to actually originate from a Jewish philosopher named Philo of Alexandria.

This beautiful young lady is my daughter. She is now 16 years old (17 next month), but when she was also 14 years old, she was placed in a facility 9 times over the course of a year because of suicide attempts and self-injury. Does she look unhappy to you? If you could only see her eyes up close. She has been through a lot, including bullying. As a matter of fact, it isn't only the fact that Lamar went to the same school that my niece attends that this hits so close to home; it's also due to the fact that bullying played a role in my own daughter's subsequent attempts after the first unsuccessful attempt. 

My little girl has been through a lot. As a mother, I would love to say that I've never brought my daughter any pain, but I think if all parents are honest, we can all say that we have inadvertently hurt our children at some point in time. Of course, there are the A-holes that hurt their children on purpose; however, I am not an A-hole. At least, I'd like to think not. I made some very poor decisions in my personal life that brought my children pain, that I never intended for them to go through. My daughter has something in common with me -actually, has more than one thing in common with me- that I wish she didn't. One of those things is bipolar disorder, which she absolutely detests, and the other is something you will be able to figure out on your own if you pay careful enough attention to the things I write or the videos that I post. No, she has never abused drugs. My daughter did not deserve what happened to her, nor does she deserve what she has been through. After missing school for a while after her first breakdown in 2011, the self-centered bullies (I have other choice words, but I will not resort to calling then-middle-schoolers names in my blog, other than bullies, because that's what they are) began to spread rumors about my daughter. They had all kinds of theories about why she hadn't been at school. One of those rumors was that she was was pregnant and had left school to have the baby. I don't know where kids come up with some of the things they do, but really teenagers: JUST STOP IT ALREADY. When she returned to school, she was talked about, teased, snubbed, etc. It started a snowball effect of self-injury and suicidal ideation, and pure effing hell for all of us, but especially her, that lasted for approximately a year. As a result, my daughter is now home-schooled and has been since 2012. Is this what I would have chosen for her? No, it isn't. Are we going to force her to go to school where she might be triggered into another episode after doing much better the last 2 years? Hell no. It isn't even an option to send her to another school; zoning and all that. She attends Circle Christian School for certain activities and such, but mostly does Florida Online Virtual School, with her step-mother as her at-home "teacher." 

I am very disconnected with this beautiful face right now. I wish it weren't so. Because of the things she has been through, the things WE have been through, and other factors, she needs time away from me to adjust to her life and work her way through her feelings on her own. It's been almost a year since we have really talked, not for lack of my trying. But I finally realized that sometimes we have to let go of what is broken so that true healing can take place. Some of it is because of things that have happened, but I truly believe that some of it is fear, as well; fear because we DO have so much in common. You would think it would be easier to talk to a parent that has so much similarity to you, because they would be the one that would understand you and be able to make sense of it all. Not necessarily always true, young grasshoppers. Sometimes they are the hardest to talk to, because the vulnerability is too much. That vulnerability leads to anger, sometimes there is resentment, and a lot of times there is hurt. It has taken me a VERY long time to realize this, and by no means whatsoever does it make it easier not to be able to talk to someone who was, up until the end of 2010, almost literally my shadow and twin. Wherever you found me, there she was. I almost used to run right into her, not realizing she'd followed me into a room, and turn around to walk and come nose-to-nose with her, having to halt myself before smacking our faces into each other. I have had to let her go and stop trying so hard, and quite honestly, it hurts like hell. I cling to hope and I have my faith, and I look forward to the day when she finally knows it's time to talk to her mommy again. But I will never stop loving her, being her mom, being her advocate, and doing everything I can to make sure she is never hurt again in the ways she has been hurt in the past.

Do you see now? I term it bully-cide for a reason. I read the most ignorant statement in one of the articles I reviewed about the Lamar Hawkins suicide, and was angered when I saw who made the statement and quite fervently believe she needs to find another job, I don't care where she got her statistics. I'm not going to call her out in this article, but she stated [paraphrased] "Bullying happens a lot, a lot of kids are bullied and it's sad, but the fact is, most kids who are bullied don't go and commit suicide." Maybe most kids don't, but the statement was so unnecessary in the article that I wanted to throw my laptop.

The FACT is that kids ARE committing suicide because of bullying. Google it. You will have more results than you care for. The question is, how are we going to stop it? What are you willing to do?

• For confidential help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 

• For confidential support on suicide matters in the UK, call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

Sorrow of a Clown.

I have seen so much condemnation, so much judgment and just downright ignorance, that I can't NOT write about this.

I will probably get some backlash for this - please know that is perfectly fine with me. My opinions differ from others. That's what makes us all individuals. We each have our own brain [though some seem to show evidence of lacking one; just sayin']. However, regardless of opinion, it is not okay to make fun of someone in front of or to their family or publicly bash them because they made the choice to take their own life! I do not condone suicide. Let me make that statement before I go any further. I will also tell you that I am a suicide survivor -I failed at taking my own life in November of 2012- so I also know both sides of the coin. I can tell you, from that fact alone, as well as the fact that it is well-known I struggle with mental illness, that suicide is not selfish.

I am sick and tired of reading statements such as "you don't think of anyone but yourself when you take your own life," or "he/she just wasn't strong enough and took the easy way out." Are you freaking serious right now? Here is what I have to say about that:

1. You have no idea how many people we think of besides ourselves when we contemplate suicide. When I attempted suicide in 2012, it actually took more courage to even perform the act than you could EVER possibly imagine. I took my entire bottle of lithium (what was left from that month), which contained about 25 pills, each containing 300 mg, and with each handful swallowed I was more and more afraid, hands shaking, tears rolling down my face, heart beating out of my chest, questioning every single second, thinking of everyone BESIDES myself. You really have no idea. [I spent 3 days in critical care, before 7 days in the psychiatric unit, and that's all I will say about that right now.] For you to assume that we (I will use the term "we" as a collective for myself and others who have attempted, or committed, suicide) are selfish in any way is a very incorrect assumption. We think of everyone else constantly. We feel guilt, shame, pain, sadness, HORRIBLE things that do not go away when we are thinking about taking our own life. Do you honestly think we want to leave the people we love behind? That we want them hurting, sad, confused, and angry, wondering if they could have said or done anything to have had made a difference in our decision? We hold on FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Not for ourselves. For others. We fight. We struggle. We try and try and try. For you. For our parents. For our children. For our spouses or significant others. For our friends. We hang on until we feel like we can't hang on anymore, because we want to be here for YOU. If we cared only about ourselves and were really that selfish, many of us would have succeeded in suicide long before I ever had the thought of even writing this.

By the way, I'm writing this for YOU. Because those of you that throw "selfish" and "pity" and whatever other terms you feel are appropriate in my face, need to be educated. 

2. It has nothing to do with how strong or weak we are; it has to do with pain.

Emotional pain can be even more crippling than physical pain, in my experience. I'm actually a very strong person. If I weren't, I would not have endured most of the things that have happened in my life. Even strong people fall down sometimes. It does not make us weak. It simply means we have been trying to be strong for far too long on our own. As for being the easy way out, there is nothing, NOTHING, "easy" about taking ones own life. The length of contemplation varies from one individual to the next, but "easy" is never in the cards. We could sit there for days, weeks, months - hours - thinking about it, and not be able to do it. Then there comes that one particular moment where the pain is just so great that you just stop thinking. That's right; stop thinking. When the pain of being alive suddenly and startlingly outweighs the pain of thinking about everyone else, that's when you stop thinking; and you just do it. Take from that what you will. To understand that kind of intense pain, you have to feel it.

Do not judge what you don't understand.

How? Why? What causes a person to experience such pain? It could be anything. What we can ignore no longer is the fact that mental illness plays a huge role in the whole of society today, and I, for one, refuse to stay silent. The stigma attached to mental illness is too great and something has to be done. I will speak up for myself. I will not hide. I will speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves, because it is who I am.

Case in point, and one of the reasons that I became so passionate to spill this out so fervently: Robin Williams. In my opinion, one of the funniest people on earth. So full of passion, life, humor, and happiness; so it would seem. Behind the screens, behind the scenes, he was a human being just like me. A human being who struggled with documented severe depression, substance abuse disorder, and although he was never diagnosed with it, I can make an educated guess that he struggled with bipolar disorder, as well. His highly manic and overly dramatic, but hilarious, acting and stand-up; his hypomanic drama; his serious roles that always had a hint of real life and sadness in his eyes. The extremes of his behavior were evident, but no one ever thought about the possibility that there was more to it than just being an actor. 

Robin Williams - The laughter and smile we all adored.

As you know, I run a page on Facebook called Ramblings of a Bipolar Sober Chick, same as the name of my blog. Surprisingly, I've only had a few "trolls." 

Troll (Internet) - In Internet slang, a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion. This sense of the word troll and its associated verb "trolling" are associate with Internet discourse, but have been used more widely. Media attention in recent years has equated trolling with online harassment. For example, mass media has used troll to describe "a person who defaces Internet tribute sites with the aim of causing grief to families."

Sadly, exactly what has been happening with Robin Williams' death.

My latest personal troll stated on my last pinned status, which was a deepened definition of bipolar disorder with severe depression along with a quote, "Depression is not even a real illness. Suck it up and get over yourself and stop posting crap on Facebook that doesn't even matter or exist. Everyone has emotions. Stop using yours as an excuse for being irrational." I will not tell you what I WANTED to say to this person, but what I did say was, in fact.... nothing. I banned the person from my page, deleted the comment before it could hurt anyone dedicated to being a part of my community, and reported him to Facebook. Normally, responding to people like that is a waste of my time; it is also a very easy way to trigger me into an extremely emotional response, that if turned into an argument or conversation, will lead me to a place that I don't want to go. Therefore, I protect myself and avoid it if at all possible. I encourage others to do the same. However, if it needs to be addressed, because it was directed at not only myself, but a member of my page, I will indeed address it, make sure the person has seen it, then promptly ban that person from my page. Some people, unfortunately, are relentless and will actually quite literally go right back out and make yet another Facebook page, or create another name, just so they can come back and torment some more. Fortunately, I have not had to experience this on my own page, but I have seen it done, and in time, as my members continue to grow, it is most likely inevitable that it will happen despite doing my best to ensure that it doesn't. For the record, that same troll did not hit only my page. He apparently went around to every depression awareness, bipolar disorder awareness, and suicide awareness page that he could find and issue a similar, if not the exact same copy-and-paste statement to each and every one of them. Ignorance at its finest.

Although I ignored the statement then, I feel it imperative to address it, as briefly as possible, now.

Depression is an illness. Bipolar disorder is an illness. The term "mental illness" came from scientific research, observation, and eventually 'proof', if you will, that it exists. It exists through no fault of our own. There is a difference between sadness and depression. You can be sad about a situation or experience in your life, no matter how short or long; but depression -depression lasts a lifetime. It waxes and wanes, as does bipolar disorder, but it is never in actuality completely gone. It sits there, waiting for the next trigger, the next opportunity to tell you that you aren't good enough; to tell you that this is not life, but merely existence. It makes you wonder why existence is so important. The chemicals and mechanics of our brain differ from those than people who are not sufferers, so do not tell me it doesn't exist. I will throw every single bit of scientific evidence PLUS personal experience at you that I possibly can. That's how angry, frustrated, and passionate this has made me.

"The eyes are the windows to our souls." Can you see it? CAN YOU?

We smile through our pain, and we shouldn't have to. Our eyes scream, how can you not see me in here? How do you not know my pain inside? How can you not see my obvious invisible torment? Key word: Invisible. Mental illness is called an invisible illness for a reason. Behind our smiles, our laughs, even behind our actual genuine moments of happiness, lies something someone who has never struggled with mental illness will never understand. Something that grips us, that grapples with our desire to be happy all the time -or at least pretend to be. Why should we feel like we have to pretend? Why do we have to hide?

We don't. Stigma has made us feel that way.

Stop the stigma. Come out from behind the curtain. #SpeakLife

The sorrow of a clown. The death of a clown. Not an ordinary clown, an extraordinary clown. He lit up my life, along with many others. With his facial expressions, his one-liners, his manic imitations; he made me laugh so hard sometimes I would cry -and little did I know he was crying inside. He enhanced my life, yet he couldn't enhance his own. He struggled through not only mental illness, but substance abuse, overcoming cocaine addiction, and succeeding in being sober for 20 years from alcohol before relapsing. He took advantage of all the help available for all the struggles he had, yet still succumbed to the intense pain he tried to keep check inside of him. Robin Williams was a joker. Depression is not a joke. 

A quote that I cannot compete with:

"All illness is a great leveler, but none levels like mental illness. It remains the poor relation of medicine. Research is paltry. Therapies are half-hearted. Drugs are primitive. But addictive and depressive illness seems to probe deep into the relations between individuals and those around them. It is the crack in the window that can seem beyond mending. The sadness of the clown goes beyond irony. It is one of the great mysteries of life."

If you ever feel suicidal, please reach out. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel the way you feel. It's not okay to feel like you can't talk to someone.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 08457 90 90 90.

Stop condemning. Try to understand. Love one another.

#twloha