Numb Holidays.

I feel weird this holiday season.  Usually, the holidays are very hard for me.  Not to say they aren't this year, but honestly I'm feeling more numb than anything else.  I think I'm in a hypomanic state, which rarely happens.  I'm usually either totally manic or totally depressed, or when I'm stable, right smack dab in the middle.  Maybe my meds are working overtime and giving me the numb feeling, but there is a slight giddiness to it.

I've been watching a lot of Christmas movies on Hulu, which I don't normally do.  I haven't for several years.  But for some reason this year I've decided to do it.  Maybe that has helped get me a little into the spirit.  I have to admit that I miss my own tree and decorations that are so snugly put in storage this year while I'm staying with my grandmother, but we have a little tiny tree and a nativity set, so I should be happy with just that.  Gifts aren't really as important, although it's always nice to see a few packages under the tree.  Not necessarily for me, but I enjoy getting other people stuff and seeing their faces light up when they open their presents.

My kids are stable and leading their own lives at this point, as they are all finally grown, so I don't have that usual mommy guilt and usual strong desire to do something overwhelming for them like I normally do each and every holiday season.  I became a grandma on October 2nd, so seeing my oldest son with his own little family has helped quite a bit.  The only thing that makes me sad about that is I have yet to hold my grandson because I live so far away right now.  The good thing is he will be moving back to Florida a little ahead of the time that I will be moving back to Florida, so I know I have a set time to look forward to so I can hold my precious little grandbaby.  My oldest daughter is living her life in Colorado and she seems to be happy, although I miss her dearly.  I was getting used to having her come over practically every weekend to spend time with me, even if she is an adult.  It feels good when your adult children want to spend time with you!  My youngest daughter is back from college in Hungary and living in Florida again, so I'm looking forward to spending a little time with her, as well.  My youngest son is still in Florida and is engaged to be married.  I don't know when, be he said "sometime in 2020" so that narrows it down.  lol. 

I have family here in Texas, so I feel like I should be happier and more content than I actually am.  It's still hard, though.  I guess that feeling will never totally go away.

I hope everyone is having a good holiday season, and if you struggling like me, don't worry.  You aren't alone and I promise things do get better eventually.  <3

My new grandson with my son and daughter-in-law: