Fact checker:
1. No, we don't always feel like killing ourselves.
2. It's not drama, asshole, it's mental illness.
3. Unless you are going to say something compassionate, or at the very least, intelligent, just shut up because you only sound and look completely stupid and uneducated.
4. Suicide isn't a joke in any way, shape, or form, so at the assumption that my friend is actually seriously contemplating suicide, you just took the expressway to making her feel a hell of a lot worse, and quite possibly pushing her over the edge... so, thanks.
No wonder mental illness is so hard to talk about. Especially for those of us that actually HAVE a mental illness. I mean, why in the world would anyone ever want to open up to anyone if THAT is the kind of response we are going to get? Yes, we have periods where taking our own life seems like a very good option for the time being, but it's all part of how our brains function; and contrary to seemingly popular belief that we can just "snap out of it," uh no... we can't. We can't control it the majority of the time, and I speak from experience. Medication absolutely helps, but it isn't a cure. There is no cure for mental illness, unfortunately. There is only palliative care, along with therapy, love, compassion, and the hope we get from others who inspire us and from those who actually are willing to listen, even if they don't have any answers. From the people who say, "I may not understand 100% what you are going through, but I'm here for you if you decide you want to talk about it." From the people who are going through it alongside us and let us know we are not even remotely close to being alone in this universe, because there are a lot of us out there. Bipolar disorder is NOT a rare illness. It affect about 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population 18 and older, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. That number could be dramatically increased if everyone who actually is struggling with it was properly diagnosed. The percentage may seem small, but that is still quite a few people; enough to where the entire human race should be paying attention. Add to that the percentage of other mental illnesses, and we have a whole slew of Americans (and I am sure, others in other countries, though I have yet to do that research so I cannot comment on it) who need professional psychiatric care; and we need to stop making people feel ashamed of that fact. Your physical health is important and you go to the doctor for that. Why not take care of your mental health, as well? It is just as important.
I can relate to my friend, sadly. Although I have never had the exact phrase muttered to me, and I would likely knock some sense into someone if it ever was, I have had something as equally hurtful said. Actually, I reflect on what I just said about knocking some sense into someone, and I retract.. because I didn't. I didn't knock sense into the person who said something horrible to me, because I never actually expected to hear something like that come from someone who was supposed to love me more than anyone else on this earth. He was supposed to be the one person who would love me through everything, the one person I could trust to share my thoughts and feelings with, yet he ended up pretty much just like everyone else. Wistfully, it is usually loved ones who hurt us in this way, and not strangers. Just another vast reason for education and paying attention. I went through an exceptionally difficult road with my bipolar disorder in 2012-2013 when I was going through medication changes, along with other factors in life I just don't care to include in this particular post. I cried; a LOT. I had only allowed someone to make me feel ashamed of crying once before in my life, and because of that first incidence I didn't cry for an entire 2 years. In fact, I had completely numbed myself to any emotion that would cause me to be anything but indifferent. That, I found out, can be way more unhealthy than allowing yourself to feel the God-given emotions you have in the first place. This time around, I didn't numb myself, but I still found myself very hurt, frustrated, and then ultimately feeling bad because I cry. What was said to me? "You always find something to cry about."
I guess it never occurred to him that I had legitimate reasons and sources for emotions each and every single time I shed a tear; however, given that he was usually that source, or at least something he did or said, I guess he really wouldn't think of that, would he? He isn't exactly the type of person to take any sort of responsibility for his own behavior, but instead would rather point fingers in any available direction away from himself. I can't think of a single thing during our entire relationship that was actually "his fault." It was always mine. But that story of narcissism is definitely a story for another time. Point being, no, I wasn't always finding a reason to cry. I just happened to cry as a response to pain AND anger, both of which I was experiencing an untoward amount of during that time period. Now, you might be thinking, "Really? You got upset because someone complained about your crying?" You're damn straight I did. Before you get any bright ideas about calling me defensive, I will tell you right now that "being defensive" has nothing to do with it, and happens to be something else that is said to those with bipolar disorder, as well, and I truly hate it. It's called being human. Additionally, anything I say in response to it is called standing up for myself, which took me a REALLY long time to be able to do. If you want to call me defensive, that is positively your prerogative; but if you want the truth, I just look at you calling me that and think that you are just mad because you didn't get my goat, so to speak. Don't you just hate it when former doormats learn how to speak their minds?
I'm a former doormat.
I cry. I think. I am.
I stop to smell the roses, yes; but I also occasionally stop to smell the deadly nightshade. Just not usually on purpose.
It's those moments when I allow the poisonous thoughts inside my head that I end up where my friend recently was. Contemplating and entertaining thoughts on how this world would just be better off without me. Thinking about my emotional, and sometimes physical pain, and letting it obscure any positive thoughts that might help me out of my funk. Not seeing how certain things are ever going to change and finding it unquestionably pointless to go on. You see, when your mind functions in the way a bipolar mind functions, it isn't always easy to see past the pain. Have you ever been in so much pain that you seriously wondered if you could even take it anymore? I have.
I want to LIVE, not just SURVIVE. When in survival mode, it gets tiring. It's like running through a tunnel and never ever seeing the end, wondering if you are ever going to see the brightness of the suns rays in your face or feel raindrops hit your skin. It's like being in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no view of land and just floating, and suddenly your flotation device is ripped away from you and you are struggling to stay above water, but you know, you KNOW that eventually you are no longer going to be able to swim. You are going to drown. It's like running in sand. If you have never tried it, I implore you to go to the nearest beach or any other place that has at least above-ankle deep sand and try running through it as fast as you can, and see how tired you get.. or even how far you get before you can't run through it any longer.
If you don't have a mental image or feeling yet, I feel for you. Bad, that is. I feel bad for you. It makes me wonder if compassion or empathy or anything resembling either even exists anymore.
If you encounter someone who is sad or making comments about taking their own life, or just hurting themselves, don't make it worse. Don't tell them they always feel that way. Don't tell them they are being dramatic. That is your ignorance and inexperience talking, and it shows. If you can't deal with it, just let them know you aren't sure what to do and ask them if they need to talk to someone else who can help. If the person has a history of actually being dramatic or saying things for attention, guess what? It's still a mental illness and quite possibly a personality disorder, and they STILL NEED HELP. It happens. Still, be kind. Call a crisis line and ask how you could help, or get the person help. If it is way too much for you after that, maybe you should set your own boundaries and back out of the friendship, but don't call them an attention seeker. They might not even realize they are doing it. If you feel like anyone who mentions suicide is an idiot and that's your common response... well, you're just an asshole.
I hear so many people say, "I would sit up with you all night if you felt like hurting yourself." But would you? Would you, really?
