My Karah [kerr-uh; noun]; nickname: Kara-Bearah: Skinny, pretty, blunt, sensitive, tall, creative, health food junkie, dancer, soccer player, writer. She was born in October of 1997. She's been loud ever since she came out of my womb. She lets you know what she wants when she wants it, and she is not afraid to say anything - at least not to a stranger. AND I MEAN ANYTHING. When it comes to personal and intimate feelings deep down, she has more of a difficult time sharing those feelings and thoughts with the people she loves.
She definitely does NOT get her height from me.
Her strange eating habits began when she was just 9 months old. She grabbed a red onion off my plate while we were eating at Outback Steakhouse and promptly took a huge bite. I cringed, half covering my face, fully anticipating the tears and screaming to start. Instead, she chewed it up, swallowed it, and took another rather large bite; then reached for another one. Thus, came her first word from whence she grabbed the onion: SALAD. Salad? Like, really? Most kids say mama, dada.... ball. Nope, her first word... salad. She will eat anything healthy, for the most part, and shun the things that are not. The foods that she does eat, she is incredibly picky about. It is always either too hot, too cold, too thick, too runny, the wrong color, or it just doesn't taste right. When she was in the 2nd grade, she began insisting I not put Swiss Cake Rolls in her lunch box for dessert, because according to her teacher, they would make her fat because of sugar. I had a hard time with that one - and with that teacher.
This will always be one of my favorite pictures of Karah. I took this picture during a Fall Festival and it was once featured in the International Library of Photography under the title "The Sad Scarecrow" by Barbara Hammontree.
She has many likes and dislikes, as do we all. Her likes include onions, ballet, soccer, hot sauce (on everything), singing, going to the movies, chicken, swimming, fruit punch, salad, drawing, painting, writing, running, zebras, pandas, coffee, and now, driving. Her dislikes include alfredo sauce, sitting in the back of a minivan, having to wait (for anything), cheese, most things that contain sugar, getting dirty, pants, thick oatmeal, people touching her things, root beer, seeing other people cry, and hearing or seeing anyone vomit.. ever. It really freaks her out.
The story of the unfortunate man and woman at the college book store:
I was waiting in the Financial Aid line at Seminole State College Bookstore, which can be incredibly long if you wait to go and get your books until the last minute. I had my aunt and the kids with me. Karah was probably around 3 years old at the time. I had told the kids repeatedly to stop doing this, stop doing that, come sit down, please stop getting so close to that guy's butt, sit down or I'm going to throw you down, please don't put your gum up your nose, stop telling your brother he is stupid, etc. There was a rather large black woman standing in line behind us. I saw Karah eyeing her from time to time and was silently praying that she was not thinking anything sinister. I was ready to pop her mouth at a given moments notice. Apparently, my attention span was shot at that point and my reflexes just weren't quick enough. She was pretty slick at how this all transpired, I really didn't even see it coming, quite honestly. I was sitting on the ground at this point, when my pretty, blue-eyed, sweet and innocent-looking little doll face from Mars walked up to me, looked me straight in the eye, and loudly enough for the entire book store to hear her said, "Mommy, is that Big Momma?"
Have you ever wanted to die? I mean really wanted to die? Like as in prayed for a giant black hole to just open up and swallow you face first right then and there? I apologized profusely with what I can only imagine was a complete look of horror on my face. Thankfully, the woman understood how children are sometimes (ha! she thinks) and just smiled it off. It doesn't end there.
No more than 5 minutes later, the man in front of us in line bends down and says to Karah, "If you can sit down here in line and be really good for your mommy, I'll give you this dollar bill when you reach the front of the line." Karah's response: "Your breath really stinks."
More apologizing from me. I mean, what else could I really do at that point? I obviously had a child that completely missed the bus when God was handing out the filters that go between your brain and your mouth. Not that I can really say I have much of one myself, so perhaps she just got it honestly.
She has definitely toned down over the years. She very seldom makes remarks anymore that us, as adults, know are rude and can have consequences. At least not in front of me, anyway. She has learned that even though she does not mean anything harmful by some of the things she says, they can still affect other people. She really hadn't made any remarks at all in the couple of years after that until she randomly pointed out and declared that a woman in Wal-Mart was a "funny little midget". Thus began the lesson that was politically incorrect; they aren't midgets, they are little people, without the funny.
She still has her own little attitude, and witty, even sometimes rather snappy remarks, but none so blunt as the ones I've shared.
She used be in ballet and tap classes, mainly when she was 6 to 7 years old, and then ballet again for a brief time when she was around 14. Her first Tap Recital was "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini", hence the yellow tap dance costume with silver sequins and fancy yellow fringe hanging around her cute little waist as a "skirt." She even had yellow ribbons tying her tap shoes. At the end of her dance she was the last one to go off the stage and she stopped right in the middle of the stage, jumped up, and landed facing the audience with her feet apart and arms out to her sides, shaking her hands - jazz hands! The audience cheered and clapped, as did I; but, I did so with my mouth hanging open and heat beginning to travel up my face as I turned red as a beet. You see, I didn't realize until after the program that she was actually told to do that; I thought she just decided to take it upon herself to have her moment of glory in the spotlight. Her 15 seconds of glorious fame. It was a wonderful 15 seconds, regardless of whether she was told to do it or not. I would have been proud either way. After the kids went to live with their father, she drifted from dance. She played mainly soccer and did some cross-country running, but returned to ballet, as previously mentioned, for a short time when she was 14, before deciding to quit due to having to choose what she wanted to do the most, as well as the fact that a tumor was found along her knee and had to be removed, making it difficult for certain extensions in dance. I also think she was frustrated that she was behind the other students in terms of technique, and toward the end of her dancing, I may have been part of the reason she gave it up all together, because I am a former dancer; and Karah had always wanted to be like me.
She ran in cross-country for a while. It was great for her and she would come in with great times; those long, beautiful and strong legs of hers seemed to just glide past other runners. She was proficient in the long jump, as well. I was always impressed with her skill in whatever she chose to do.
It was when she became serious about soccer, which she still plays, that her light really began to shine through. When she was 9 years old, she kicked 13 goals that season. I think my proudest moment was when she used the top of her head to block the ball. Her team name: Shooting Stars.
She now plays with Orlando City Soccer and, despite surgery on her knee to remove the tumor and subsequent rehabs, she is an amazing soccer player whose skills develop more and more each year. Unfortunately, I don't know much about the past year, because I haven't really been invited to her games. The games I did get invited to, in the beginning of the season, I was unable to get to. Then the invitations just stopped coming.. and so did she.
One of the things that defines this child, especially with all we have been through -together, and her as an individual- is her love for Jesus. She is a God-loving girl who can be incredibly sweet and will reach out to anyone. She is very sensitive and compassionate, and her boldness has turned into a wonderful thing as she is not at all afraid to speak to people of the Lord. She loves children and has a tender heart. I believe a damaged and broken heart still in need of much healing, but tender, just the same.
Many of our belongings were either vandalized or lost in a flood in 2006, when our lives fell completely apart and the first time I became homeless. Among those items was Karah's CD player/Boombox. When I told her this, this was her reply: "It's okay mommy. You don't have to buy me another one. I am just glad that you are alive."
Those words are something I will never forget and are similar to many she would say through the years; "It's okay if you can't get me anything for Christmas, mommy. I only need you."
That was my Karah. My shadow. My "mini-me" that I miss so much.
Our family began to fall apart in 2005 as a consequence of letting someone into my life that never should have been allowed there; and eventually my own mistakes and actions, and following consequences of those actions. If you've read any of my previous articles, you will know that I was a hardcore drug user from the very end of 2004, and stopped using hardcore drugs in 2008; way too late to salvage anything left of my life. I had never believed that addiction was a disease until I succumbed to it. It is; the rest of that story will have to be a completely different article. It wasn't just the drugs, it was the lifestyle that came along with being with someone who was even more addicted than I was, and was willing to do anything to feed that addiction; including getting me in trouble with the law. I take responsibility for my own actions, but I was unfortunately incredibly naive and just downright stupid in some areas, that when I fully came to the realization of what was happening, it was way past any chance of fixing it. We had been happy by ourselves; they may not remember all our good times, but I was an awesome single mom from 2000 to the beginning of 2005. The kids went to live with their father toward the end-ish of 2005. I didn't find out about Karah's experiences until 2011; after she suddenly stopped coming to visit me on the weekends in December of 2010.
I can pin-point the day, the exact conversation that took place, that I know for a fact started it all. It was a simple miscommunication. Her father and step-mother both always made it a point to call me a liar, which I had been. Have you ever met an honest person who is still in denial and in active addiction? I haven't, and I've come across a lot of them. The honesty comes with time, learning, growing, and finally learning to love yourself. It's a process of healing and making amends. This particular event, however, I was not lying about. I had written her dad an email about something, he miscommunicated my words to her, she called me and told me that she wasn't going to come over again until I stopped lying, I asked her what she was talking about, she told me, I asked her if he had shown her the email so she could see what I said with her own eyes because what he told her was NOT accurate, she said no, I told her she should ask him if she could read it, she repeated that she was not coming over until I stopped lying, and I told her as nicely as possible, "That's fine. I haven't lied to you about anything, it is your choice to not come over anymore and your choice if you don't want to read what I said yourself. I can take comfort in what I know to be true and come away from this with a clean conscience. This is not my fault."
And I meant every single word.
Apparently, so did she. Never having tried to see the truth, never giving me a chance that I believe I fairly and fully deserved, she never spent the night again.
She at least continued to talk to me, but our relationship was never the same. After finding out how much Karah really was struggling, it was a downward spiral of hospitalizations, suicide attempts, and self-mutilation, which I got blamed for, as well. After all, I have been a self-harmer for years, albeit secretly [so I thought], so it would be natural to assume it was my fault that she became one. Not just that, but she actually told her therapist, and her father, and thereafter practically everyone else, it seems, that I taught her how to cut, which is in no way true, even in the slightest. I very clearly recall a conversation with her, before she stopped coming to visit, when she first noticed my cuts, when I was still at the peak of self-injury and normally hiding them very well. She asked me why? I have always tried to be transparent with my children [after coming out of much denial] and at that moment, felt it was important to do so then. I told her that in many cases, as with myself, it was a physical release for emotional pain. Something that we could see, that would somehow make sense out of all the pain we felt inside that was invisible. I told her it was the wrong thing to do, but that it was the best, honest explanation I could give her. If she decided to utilize that as her own coping mechanism a couple of years later in life, I will not take responsibility for that, because I "taught her" to do nothing of the sort. She asked a question, I answered it. She has since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, like myself, which far better explains her last few years of behaviors and tendencies, but the stigma attached to bipolar disorder is still too great for her to get past, and if asked, she would never admit it; and she hates taking her medication, but from what I understand, at least she does not hide it anymore.
Still, even through all of that, we tried to maintain a relationship. It gets confusing and frustrating for me from 2012 to the present, because the timeline is foggy and sporadic. The events don't make sense. The reasons are a now tattered mystery novel leading to shattered lives. As I said, our relationship was never, ever the same, no matter how hard I tried to retrieve my shadow. Some part of her was just gone. It felt like someone had amputated one of my limbs. It still feels that way. She continued to drift further and further away. The lack of encouragement from her other "parents" to spend time with me has never helped, and only hurt. No matter how many times I was told "she needs her mother," she wasn't supported or nudged to spend time with me. It only fostered the idea that she could then decide what she wanted. I feel like she has learned to manipulate people at will and does not even realize the extent of her own mental illness. It scares me as a mother. Thankfully, she no longer attempts suicide, but since October of 2013, she has stopped communicating with me altogether. No phone calls, emails, texts; I'm blocked on Facebook, Instagram, and whatever other social media sites she is a member on.
I believe I can pin-point that, as well. I kept asking her what she wanted to do for her birthday, as it is in October, and she kept making excuses as to why she couldn't do anything. I eventually said [short version] just let me know when you decide you are ready to spend time with me. If I really think about, it probably wasn't in the nicest of tones; it had become hurtful and frustrating to me to have to keep asking, and I missed her so much. Just like that, she disappeared completely. It was then that I realized she does not like to be called out on anything, and if anything I ever said or did was going to threaten the existence of the way she has her life set up now, the way she wants it, she was not going to allow me near her. She has cut me off completely. So did her older brother, 2 months after she did. They are the closest to each other out of my children, relationship-wise.
I don't know if she can't forgive me for certain things or if she can't forgive herself for certain things. I don't know the truth versus lies anymore. I don't understand or know her motives behind anything she says or does. I don't know if she just wants negative attention or if she enjoys getting the attention she gets from others because she portrays herself as a victim. I often wonder if she has accommodating Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if she actually blames me for things I had no control over or if she thinks I simply turned into a mom who didn't care about her. I don't know what she thinks - at all. I tried reaching out for a while, to make sure she knows I'm still here, but honestly; I'm a human being, too, and there is only so much I can take. When you keep reaching out and reaching out and reaching out, and no one is ever there to respond or take your hand, and you just get talked about instead, even after all you've done to change your life, your arms and your mind become crippled. Crippled in pain and in ways you can't possibly imagine unless you are a parent of a child who wants nothing to do with you, no matter what you try to do to fix it. So, you stop. You let go. I let go for months. Only today I finally decided, I'll try one more time. I texted her. No response. So I texted her one last text, "I love you and I forgive you for cutting me out of your life."
The tears were a waterfall today. I struggled well into the night. It's 5 a.m. and I am just now about to attempt sleep. How do you let go? How do you just release a child and try and pretend like everything is okay, that part of your heart isn't shattered every time you get no response? How do you do it? How does everything become "okay" again and where do you find the answers? When do you figure out "why?" But I can't continue to torment myself. I can't ask "why?" every single day and try to fix something that I obviously cannot fix. You can't fix someone else, you can only fix yourself; and that's what I strive to do every day - become a better ME than I was yesterday. I can't run after someone who doesn't want to be caught.
I can't make someone love me again. Not even my own child.
Those were the hardest sentences I've ever had to type.
Right now I feel like I have two children, not four children. I am blessed to be called mother, whether they see me or not. I focus on the two that do. There is nothing else, nothing different, that can be done on my end.
Just as the story of the prodigal son, the father waited and waited, and when the son finally returned, he rejoiced. I finally returned to my mother. If I can do that, I have faith my children can return to me. I don't know when and I don't know how, and I know it is going to continue to be painful; but I will wait.
Even if my little girl sixteen doesn't see it, I am now and always will be her mother.
Another touching and excellent post. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you. This was a difficult one for me and I was very hesitant. But I have to own my stories and force myself to have a voice sometimes. I appreciate you reading. :)
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