Dear Body, Mind, and Soul: (Sometimes In The Third Person)

I love you, so why are you fighting me right now?

I've taken care of you physically. I drink a lot of water; way more than I ever did before. I eat much better as far as food choices go. I do my best to completely stay away from processed foods and would much rather cook my own meals from scratch, with lots of veggies. I love fruit, too. I love Paleo. I try to base my diet on it whenever possible. Organic is amazing. I never thought I'd say that, but I'm loving eating natural, and even spending the little extra when I can to get farm-raised or grass fed meat. I will probably never not eat meat, so deal with it. I very rarely drink soda anymore. Fast food is practically obsolete, aside from the occasional Chick-Fil-A sandwich or extremely rare burger from Five Guys, because I'm an addict and there should be a 12-step program for both Chick-Fil-A and Five Guys. I even drink Almond Milk in place of dairy now. If someone had said that I'd do that a year ago, I probably would have thrown up in my mouth a little. I'm doing the best I can. Overall, I can honestly say I have that sense of "health" that I didn't have before beginning to change the way I eat. I'm also beginning to get back on track with exercise, too. I miss dancing, but at least my walking is becoming more frequent, and the more frequent it becomes, the longer I walk. Yet still, I'm so fatigued. My GI system is beginning to yell at me a little again, as if to say, "Remember me? Yep, I can still f&#$ you up! You can run, but you can't hide, little girl." Screw you, GI system. I'd beat you with a stick if you weren't part of my actual body. My lymph node reminds me daily that I might have something substantial to worry about. It teases me, whispering "You're so screwed. You can't get me biopsied so you don't even know what's in here. I might be wreaking all this havoc and you don't have a clue!" Whatevs, lymph node. I curse thee. My throat has been hurting for about 48 hours now. That's new, and when I say new, I mean literally 100% new since I was 9 years old new. The last time I had a severe sore throat was when I had excruciating tonsillitis as a child and subsequently had my tonsils removed when I was 9. I NEVER get a sore throat. I've never even had Strep throat. It's weird. The slight cough does not help much, which is also weird. Then, today I woke up with the worst headache I've had in a really long time. It took 6 Excedrin to even get it slightly under control. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't take that much. But, my head. It was yelling at me so loudly, I couldn't even understand what it was saying. Shut up, head. Calm down, throat. I've been so good to you, and this is how you repay me.

Mentally, I keep you in check. I try, anyway. I give you the medication you are supposed to have to stabilize you, yet you still insist on going nuts on me sometimes. Actually, that infers I'm crazy, which I'm not. Okay, I am. Not. Whatever.

I do realize you aren't getting ALL your medication right now or the complete rest that you need, but do you really have to go into overdrive at the moment? Do you have to be repetitive in your incessant silent questioning of everything and everyone around? Obsessive, even? Worry much? Pfffffft. Did I say obsessive? Oh yes, I see it now. I said it. Typed it. Lalalalalala. O.o

You are beginning to tell me lies again: That life isn't worth it. The pain is more than you can bear. I am a burden to everyone I come across. I'm getting fat again or still need to lose at least 20 more pounds. I'm too screwed up to ever allow someone to love me; besides, I'll never trust anyone EVER anyway. I'm not lovable. What's love got to do with it, got to do with it?  I'm going to fail. I'm totally about to be homeless again. I have cancer again or any other horrible diagnosis I could possibly come up with right now. FEAR. Anxiety. BLAH. B-kawk.

You are thinking way too much and forgetting that thoughts are the first step to just about everything in life, and will dictate whatever comes after a thought if you let it. Medication or not. You are not letting go of the person who hurt you completely, because you are being completely idiotic. You aren't cooperating when I talk back to you and tell you that everything is going to be just fine; eventually. It will totally help once you get all of your belongings out of narcissist #2's "house," but until then you really just need to chill out. As the memes and t-shirts say, KEEP CALM. (laughing out loud)

Spiritually, do I not feed you? I pray every day. I have faith. I believe in God and know who He is to me, and better still, what He has done for me. I read my scripture every morning and journal my devotions, just like I journal my life. I get my worship on, turn my music up, and totally live in abandon for those moments when it's just me and God. No distractions. Music.. the one thing that helps eliminate outside distractions when trying to talk to God, because for me, music itself is never a distraction. So why do you still feel a little lost? Unheard? Forgotten, even? You know it's not true. You know you are nourished; are you just refusing to absorb. Is it because you've missed so many Friday's of Celebrate Recovery at church in a row now that you are beginning to feel detached? I'm not going to give up on you. I'm not going to stop what I'm doing. To completely lose my faith would be to completely sink a floating ship.

My head. If it would just stop pounding. Maybe I could think more clearly. I need anesthetic. Nothing is helping me.

This post is so jumbled, yet organized at the same time. I'm not going to proofread it, either. My body is protesting against me and I just don't have the energy for editing. For me to say that, actually says quite a lot.

Some pictures from the visit with my 18-year-old daughter I just talked about. She convinced me to let her twist my hair up in paper towel strips and let my hair dry like that... anything to make my kids happy, no matter how old we get! Then she let me do a new hairstyle on her. <3

A Yard In My Shoes.

I don't even challenge you to a mile. Just a yard. That's as far as it would take to walk through part of my life story before you realize you have no right to judge me. You don't really have a right, anyway, but I'm just saying. Unless you live in another persons skin, don't pretend to even remotely know how they feel, what they are going through, or why they make the decisions they make.

I've been getting a lot of crap lately because I am going on vacation tomorrow, for 10 days. Yes, that's right. I'm leaving the state, taking 2 of my children with me, and taking off with my best friend and her 2 kids for 10 beautiful days in New England. Yes, I'm still essentially homeless, as I'm still sleeping on my best friend's floor. Yes, I'm struggling. Yes, I barely have enough money to even DO this, short a little actually since bringing my 2 kids was a pretty last minute God-thing, and it will definitely be completely gone by the time I get back. So, yes, I will be starting over saving for a place to live when I get back.

Some of the things that have been said to me:
You have no priorities.
I can't believe you would take a vacation at a time like this.
You deserve what you get if you are going to abandon your responsibilities.

Let me make a few things VERY CLEAR:
My priorities are very straight. God comes first, my family comes next, everything else comes after that. My children are my world. I haven't been able to take them anywhere with me for YEARS and you don't have a clue how much this means to any of us, much less what a healing opportunity it is for our relationships.
"A time like this" is every day for me right now. My situation is still going to be my situation in 10 days. It will not have changed. I will still be moving forward.
I am abandoning nothing. Thank you. I am responsible for every decision I make, and although I also have to deal with the consequences of those decisions, the good far outweighs what I will consider "bad" in this situation. I do deserve what I get. I deserve to have my children with me for 10 days. I deserve the time we will get to spend with each other. I deserve to get away from the hell that is my life right now and just go and be free for a brief amount of time, because believe me... 10 days is brief.  I deserve some happiness.  I deserve to thrive, not just survive.  I deserve to experience some of the things that many other people simply take for granted... like a vacation. So many people just go on about their days and don't give a single thought to those of us that only have opportunities like this come around on rare occasions.

A VERY BRIEF VIDEO OF ME FEATURED ON HOMELESS AND HUNGRY - CLICK HERE

What you don't realize, may never understand, or think it doesn't matter:
This vacation has been planned for a year. In other words, tickets were bought, arrangements made, minds made up, WAY before I became homeless again; nor did I think I was ever facing homelessness again at the time most of the decisions were made for this trip. The only thing that happened AFTER becoming homeless again was finding out that 2 of my children were going to be able to accompany me. If you have any idea whatsoever what my life has been like for the past 10 years, you would completely understand why I AM DOING THIS. I AM taking those 2 children, I AM going on vacation with them, and I AM going to have the time of my life!
We need this time together. We need this experience. If there is anything at all I have learned, it is that opportunity may only come once in a lifetime. That means I may only have this one chance to do this. That means if I wait, it may not come again. It isn't being negative, it's being REAL. It makes me think of Eminem's song...

We have been through a lot. I could never explain all of it to you, no matter how many hours I had. You'll have to read the book when I finally write it. Please don't judge me for that. If anything, be willing to helping with the little bit I'm short now that a miracle has happened and I DO get to take 2 of my kids. You can check out part of my story at HELP BARBARA COMPLETELY START OVER! -CLICK HERE and donate what you would normally pay for a single meal at McDonalds or a cup of coffee, and help me make sure we can eat whenever we need to, get the hotel room for the one night we need one (the rest of our nights are taken care of). 

What is this experience I keep speaking of? A big part of it is called SoulFest. If you'd like to see all about it, just go to SOULFEST - CLICK HERE. We will be spending 3 of our days on the side of a mountain at one of the biggest Christian music festivals in the U.S.  It's a time for bonding with each other through our faith, a time of reflection upon life, a time of enjoying the music of the people we love listening to so much on our radios or CDs, a time of family and fellowship, but most of all, a time for healing, refreshment and nourishing of our souls, and our relationships with one another. We not only get 3 days full of concerts, we also get to meet the artists, go to workshops, lay in the sun, enjoy creation, and hopefully put our troubles behind us, if only for the moment.  Because my kids will be with me, my best friend and I (we wouldn't be able to do this without her driving) are also traveling a little extra and going to 2 places that even I haven't been. We get to share "first experiences" together. My oldest daughter, the one I am taking, was also born legally blind, and this is something she has always wanted to do, and NYC is a place she has always wanted to see. If I am able to make that happen as a parent of a child who has proven her strength her ENTIRE LIFE, I'm going to do it. She deserves it. My youngest son, the one I am taking, has a heart of gold, has supported me through my mistakes, and has more passion and excitement about things in his pinky finger than I've seen in an entire grown adult. If I am able to let him experience the festival he so badly wants to experience as a parent of a child who has been told he is "too hyper" to go on church group outings, I'm going to do it.

Day 1 and 2: Driving from Florida to Maine.

Day 3: Beach in Maine.
Day 4, 5, and 6: SoulFest in New Hampshire.
Day 7: Whatever we want.
Day 8: Carlo's Bakery (Cake Boss) in New Jersey, and Central Park in New York City.
Day 9 and 10: Driving from New York to Florida.

When we get back, they go back to their dad's and I start working my butt off again. I WILL make it and I WILL get back on my feet. And just because I'm doing this, does not mean I am shirking any responsibility, nor do I believe I am making a mistake.

The only mistake I could ever make right now is to NOT go. 

You can help by donating a little... you can prayer for us... or you can groan and moan and complain.  Just remember, I care not about the latter. Because this is my life, and you will NEVER understand any of it unless you've lived it yourself. 

Before you judge me:

Have your dad abandon you when you were a baby.
Have your mother give you away when you are a small child.
Have your step-grandfather molest you and your grandmother not believe you.
Be ripped out of home after home.
Go through two very different, but still failed marriages, and then a third long-term relationship-supposed-to-be-marriage that left you in the dust.
Get beat up physically.
Get torn down emotionally.
Lose everything.

Become homeless.

Lose your integrity and humanity.
Beat cancer, struggle through illnesses, only to find out you might be really sick again and can't get the medical care that you need.
Skip from home to home, tree to tree, life to life.
Make huge mistakes and then try and make up for them, realizing you can't because the world is that unforgiving.
Make it to where you are unable to spend a lot of time, if any, with your children, and then when the time FINALLY comes where you can take 2 of them.... tell me that no matter what, you wouldn't take it.

Walk a yard in my shoes; if they fit.

If tomorrow never comes....................................................

The Stress.

I have been SUPER good at dealing with stress the last couple of months. When my [ex]fiance kicked me out of the house unexpectedly while I was in the hospital at the beginning of May, I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with things. I didn't know if I'd remain calm, cry it out, or completely lose control of my mental stability all together. I surprised myself by doing relatively well under the circumstances of being told I could not come back to the home I'd known for 2 years and 8 months, to the EXACT day. When someone that is supposed to love you for better or for worse tells you that they "cannot handle your bipolar disorder" and had been trying to figure out a way to get you out of the house, and seized the perfect opportunity of you going into the hospital to do so because you'd "be safe there" (until when?), it kind of cracks you a little on the inside. Especially when you are struggling to heal physically from some literal heart damage. What part of kicking someone out of their home while they are in the hospital is okay, regardless of the reason? He said he has to concentrate on making himself healthier, which I totally agree with. Even though he would promptly deny it, he is a recovering alcoholic. Or was recovering, anyway. He started drinking again, and I will readily admit that I feel partially responsible since I honestly thought it had been long enough to where a beer would be okay. I will never make that very incorrect assumption for ANYONE ever again. EVER. What starts out as 1 beer, quickly becomes 2. Then it becomes 4. Then it becomes daily. Then it becomes frequent 6 packs. Then it becomes someone screaming in your face for just under an hour, telling you how absolutely disgusting you are and reminding you of every single mistake you have EVER made, to you having to clean up their vomit the next morning because you know it won't get cleaned up otherwise. Couple that with anger management issues, and you have quite the cluster-crap. That isn't even the clencher, though. The real slap is the fact that not only does he deny that alcohol and anger are his problems, but instead tells everyone, including me, that I was his problem. Subsequently, "now that you are gone, I have no problems."

I have a few questions.

If I was the problem, why did his breath reek of alcohol a couple of weeks ago when a mutual friend stopped by there?  If I was the problem, why does one of my friends, who eventually became his acquaintance, report that he has engaged in certain activities that he would say he has stopped?  If I was the problem, why was there a newly punched hole in a door that was not there before I was kicked out?

The answer is simple: I wasn't, nor am I, the problem.

So many things have become clear.  So many blinders removed.  Yet, I'm saddened by it, because I realize all the lies.

Real eyes realize real lies.

All the blaming, I almost took it. But it isn't my fault. Thank God I can see that now.  My bipolar disorder was getting worse, yes. That part is totally and completely true; but I can see WHY it was getting worse, and it was all circumstantial. A violent merry-go-round. Being kept unhealthy by an unhealthy person who wouldn't let me in. Who wouldn't get worse in that situation? Gawd.. I think about it, and honestly I'm amazed I didn't succeed in killing myself. That is really, really sad. Sadder still... I love him.  He can blame me if he wants, but I won't claim it. His malfunctions are his own and he needs to deal with his own demons. He will understand one day that what he did was wrong, no matter why he thought he needed to do it. Ironically, as I've grown, become more independent, and have taken steps to build my life, he tries to take credit for it, saying that his kicking me out is what catapulted me into finally taking responsibility for myself. Truth is, I've always been responsible for myself. I just lost my way when I started letting him dictate how I was going to feel and live. I'm taking my life back now, thank you.

Silly me. I thought I could help on the farm, without my own outside source of income, help with his business, and we could grow together. Not so, young, naive grasshopper. You are a fool. You can't help someone who won't let you past the front gate. Every time I thought I broke down an emotional barrier, he would just put another one up. I never stood a chance, and the whole time I was trying, I was really drowning. Being suffocated by the codependency of someone else, why dealing with the codependency inside myself. You cannot help someone who is insistent that they have no problems but you.

Thank you for setting me free, even though you did it in a horribly, horribly wrong way. Thank you for shattering the facade you put up that I would be "safe forever."  Thank you for reminding me that I can never get too comfortable in one place for too long and will always have to worry that one day I could be homeless again, because nothing lasts forever. Thank you for proving that I should have trusted my instincts in the very beginning and kept my belongings separate from yours so I wouldn't have to go through everything later and figure out what was mine. I don't have to worry about what you are doing anymore or try and figure out ways I can help you. I don't have to worry anymore about whether you are going to keep your promises and we'll start getting healthy again tonight.  I don't have to worry anymore about all the stupid little lies that you say you HAD to tell. YOU NEVER HAVE TO LIE, THAT'S A LIE IN ITSELF. And if you really believe that.... I feel so sorry for you.

I'm feeling it now. The weight. The stress. The impending fear, no matter how irrational it is right now. Chalk it up to past experiences, for I know that is where it comes from. I'm thankful for my little twin mattress on the floor in the front hallway of my best friend's house, nestled right by the front door. I'm thankful that I'm out of the elements and have food to eat, water to drink. I'm thankful that within a couple of weeks I found a good job, that while it started off very slowly, has the potential of being a nice life-sustaining income, that may only allow me to live paycheck to paycheck, will still allow me to live, once I'm on my own.

On my own. It's getting to that point that is hard. It's getting to that point that is really bringing on the stress. It seems like the money goes out just as fast as it comes in, and I wonder how I'm supposed to ever save anything.  Whether it's paying my best friend back for the computer she so graciously bought me so that I can work from home as a medical language specialist, using the college degree that I so diligently put myself through school for while I was raising my four children back in the early 2000s. Whether it's doctor appointments and prescriptions, both of which are necessary. Whether it's helping out here and there. Whether it's having to spend money on this or that, that was a basic necessity or something I needed, or a document that needed to be filed, or something I'd procrastinated on paying for. It's always something.

Now, I have a vacation coming up. Yes, vacation, in the midst of all this. Why in the hell would I be taking a vacation right now, you ask? Because when this vacation was planned and almost entirely paid for, I was not in this position. Plans were made, tickets were bought, decisions were practically forged into stone; and come hell or high water I am going on my damn vacation. Also, for the first time in too many years to even count, 2 of my children are coming on a trip with me, and if you had any idea what I've been through in the last decade, you'd understand why I absolutely, positively canNOT give that up! WILL NOT GIVE THAT UP! We are leaving Florida on August 4th, traveling to New England, and are not coming back until August 13th; and that's that!  Judge all you like, it won't change anything.

I will exhaust myself to near death between now and then, sitting here, transcribing, getting paid by production, just so I can make sure they have the best vacation I can give them. I will sacrifice everything I have to have this opportunity with my children that may never come back around, that I have been DYING for, for years now. I will sleep all the way to Maine in the passenger seat of a car if that is the only sleep I will get, if it means we will be a happy family spending extraordinary moments together on the side of a beautiful mountain. Just call us the Von Trapp family!

....and if when we return, I have nothing, I will start over.... again. I pray diligently every day that my time will not run out, physically or otherwise. I have learned through many, many things in my life, that nothing is ever guaranteed. 

So, stressed I am, and stressed I will be. I keep hoping that the right people will hear my story or see my family's need, make no assumptions or form uneducated opinions, and decide to help in some small way, to get me back on my feet... to get us back together. Just give me a freaking chance to start my entire life over, as I've been given no other choice.  To see that I'm doing the best I can with what I have.  To know that I don't pity myself, I'm just tired.

To relieve just a small ounce of stress... help me begin, I'll take it from there.

I hate asking for help, yet I'm forcing myself to do it anyway. CLICK HERE for more information.

My Happy Thoughts.

I've had such a rough couple of weeks that seem to only be going downhill, as far as the way I physically feel, I thought I would be proactive in trying to remain positive by making a list of things that make me happy, things I love, and things that bring a smile to my face.  I've been so exhausted, thinking it's just because I've been working a whole lot and life has been stressful. But, unfortunately, when combined with a few other things that are going on physically (everything minor by themselves, but as a whole creates a completely different and unexpected picture), it's much more than just simple exhaustion.  I refuse to give up, to stop moving; I refuse to completely give in to the tiredness. There are always things that will bring me joy or just make me close my eyes and take me to another place.

• The sound of the ocean waves crashing and smelling the saltwater in the breeze.
• Compassion.
• The number 7.
• The smell of fried chicken cooking.
• Coffee. <3
• Being able to breathe deeply.
• Hearing my children laugh.
• Listening to music.
• Playing the piano.
• The color blue.
• Painting my nails.
• Writing long letters to people I love.
• Reading books while cuddled in a warm blanket.
• Sitting by a fire on a cold night.
• Helping someone in need.
• Road trips.
• Talking to my mom.
• Singing.
• Making sure other people know that they aren't alone in this world.
• Creating a piece of art.
• Restoring old furniture.
• Going through picture albums.
• Photography.
• Taking hikes through the woods.
• Camping.
• Canoeing down a river.
• Riding a horse.
• Tattoos.
• Eating mint ice cream with just a hint of chocolate.
• Making dinner from scratch.
• Curling up with my cat and napping.
• Watching movies all day.
• Playing with my daughters hair.
• Bringing awareness to mental health and suicide prevention.
• Telling someone "I love you."
• Cool gusts of air on a hot day.
• Roller coasters.
• Disney World.
• Window shopping.
• Going to places I have never been before.
• Meaningful hugs.
• Fresh fruit.
• A nice fitting pair of blue jeans.
• Camo.
• Cowboy boots.
• Hats and scarves.
• A thousand pair of earrings.
• Random acts of kindness.

If you want to help me get through some of life's obstacles, and read about what you'd be helping exactly, even if it's just a little bit... this link will lead you to the information. <3