No More Hook.

I threw myself out there again today for the last time. The ball is in his court. I'm tired of games. I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired of being bound by conditions being set on me, but not him, in order for the relationship to ever be again. It's a double-standard, and if there is one thing I passionately dislike, it is a double-standard. If you are going to set expectations for me and expect me to change for you, which by the way... I'M NOT... I will only change for myself; then you better believe I am going to have expectations of you! The problem with that statement, is I don't go into relationships with unreasonable expectations. It only sets you up for disappointment. I will, from this day forward, go in with specific boundaries, however. So, I obviously have a dilemma and suppose I will have to rephrase this.

His conditions: To see me as a self-reliable person who never depends on anyone for anything ever, and be proud of myself because I can take care of myself. You got it, bud! After you threw me out of the house for my own good, I have been practicing self-care for some time now and love myself, honestly, for the first time ever. I have self-confidence, I have self-worth that is dependent on NO ONE. I have goals and a future that is positive, regardless of who it is with or not with, and wherever I am. I know this because I choose positivity. The part I have a problem with - never depending on anyone else.. EVER. We should be able to depend on each other. Not be dependent on each other, but depend on each other. Isn't there a difference? Yes, that's a rhetorical question. Oh, and I need to grow up and not use my bipolar disorder as an excuse (I'm not sure for what), stop manipulating people, stop making stuff up (I used to do that.. addict and abuse survivor behavior.. that behavior is GONE, thank you very much), and stop seeking attention. I am completely transparent. There is a difference between transparency and attention-seeking. I don't care about your attention. I only choose to share so that others may be potentially helped, while helping myself overcome my life at the same time.

My conditions, if I were to actually give them to him: Stop talking about me. Stop telling me what I need to do to fix myself, and work on fixing yourself. You are more broken than I am. Stop drinking. You may think you don't have a problem with alcohol, but you were once a self-proclaimed recovering alcoholic, suddenly saying that people were your problem instead, yet a beer a night went to 2 then 4 then 6 then possibly even 12, you decide to scream obscenities in my face for 45 minutes, throw things, and I'm forced to clean up your vomit the next morning... it's a problem. Not to mention the fact that if I was really your "problem, and now that you aren't here anymore, problem solved.", you wouldn't have needed to continue drinking anymore or felt the need to. Just sayin'. Your anger issues would have also disappeared since I was the problem; but they haven't. In a nutshell, stop blaming me, because even though you say you don't - you do. Do not talk down to me about my mental illness. I have no control over the fact I have bipolar disorder, but I do have control over how I treat it, and it's being treated very well. I'm not talking about popping pills, either. There is this thing called behavioral therapy that actually works quite well, in addition to medication. You see, you take your thoughts captive (imagine that), and those thoughts that turn into feelings can be altered. Your reactions and actions then change, therefore making your behavior different. It's a magnificent concept! Stop bringing up my past. I don't live there anymore. If I wanted to do the same to you, I could have made you feel less than scum in 0.98 seconds; fortunately, I'm not that person anymore. Take an anger management course. Putting holes in doors and throwing things only helps temporarily because of a surge in adrenalin, and hurts you, and other people, in the process. Get some help. The things that have happened to you in the past are holding you hostage and consequently turning you into a resentful, bitter, and ugly person; nothing like the person I fell in love with. Lastly, don't ever say anything about me not being the person you thought I was when we met, fell in love, and subsequently got together (again) 2 years later, because the only thing that changed that person was the fact that I allowed you, certain lifestyle behaviors, and not standing up for myself, change me.

At the risk of sounding like a combination of Jack Nicholson and Arnold Schwarzenegger, from The Shining and Terminator, respectively... "Heeeeeerrre's Barbara!" and "I'm baaaack!"


I will never let another person, or their lack of respect for my boundaries, change me again. I have a voice. I HAVE A VOICE. And I will never refrain from using it again, either. I have the ability to say, "Even though I asked you not to buy all that, and you did anyway, I can still say I don't want it."  I have the ability to say, "I don't want to do that, I'm not comfortable with it."  I have the ability to say, "You are really hurting my feelings right now and I would appreciate it if you would just listen for once instead of turning things around on me and mentioning something I have done. If you want to talk about that, we can do it another time, but right now this is what we are talking about." I have the ability to say, "You don't have the right to treat me like that or talk to me that way. I don't do that to you!"  I have a voice, dammit.

I am not a fish on a line and today I am taking the hook out of my mouth. The bait is no longer there. I will not be strung along under the assumptive presumption that there is a possibility that everything will just be peachy keen one day and we'll both be handy dandy, and we'll get back together, go live in the country on a farm with my horse that I will probably never get to hug again, and be a normal couple that works through their problems together, instead of apart - because I have been given no indication of that, whatsoever. All I get are "It's not that I don't love you...."'s and "It's not that I don't miss you..."'s, BUT..... There are no buts. We are either working this out while working on ourselves.. or we aren't working this out while working on ourselves. And he can't even answer that question. So, I am answering my own question.

Do you want to spend every day of your life wondering whether or not you will have a relationship with your ex-fiance of 3 years again, wondering if he misses or loves you for real, wondering what he is really thinking, worrying about him, and STILL trying to think of a way to fix his life for him, instead of moving on with your own life, taking care of yourself, caring about yourself, learning how to be alone again and being perfectly okay with that again, and loving the world around you completely, without feeling like part of your insides wants to throw itself up?

"NO."

I'm letting go.

God, you can have it.

I apologize if the tone of this ended up sounding bitter. I'm not bitter at all. I'm just tired. Extremely, vastly tired, and this was the end of the rope that I just let go of. The frayed edges are waving above my head, swaying in the calming wind and getting further and further away. I wish nothing but the best for him; pray nothing but the best for him. I just can't help him. By letting go, I think essentially I will be helping both of us. At least, that is my hope.

Something I have again.  H.O.P.E.